Category: PNW

I believe that Jesus recently asked me the question above.

Let me preface by adding that I rarely hear from God this clearly. I know He can and does speak to me in a variety of ways, but in all honesty I’m pretty bad at hearing His voice most of the time.

But this question. Wow. With absolutely no guilt or anxiety hanging onto the back of His question, Jesus brought me face to face with my own knowledge of Him. Not just the head knowledge, but the heart knowledge.

Do you believe that I love you?

Hmm. I know that He loves me. I’ve known that since before I could form full sentences – “Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so”. Sure, baby stuff. But a distinction must be made between that knowledge that more consists of memorizing words or facts and the knowledge that is attributed to knowing something precisely as it is, as the result of having experienced the truth deep within.

Gnosis: the Greek equivalent of head knowledge

Epignosis: the Greek equivalent of heart knowledge

There is a discernible difference between those two that applies to the question He asked me. Not “Are you aware that I have love for you?”, but “Do you know at your very core that I love you, as you have experienced Me in a real way and can no longer be persuaded otherwise?”.

It should be noted that everything up until this paragraph was written 2.5 days before the rest of this entry, and in that 2.5 days I experienced some insanely unusual life happenstances. During that time, the temptation to fear for the very worst of outcomes was overshadowed by a strange and ill-fitting sense of peace. All I can say is that God has provided so generously for me in these past few days, granting me blessing upon blessing and steering me away from my crippling anxieties rooted in the irrational fear that I’m going through this life alone.

Do you believe that I love you enough to provide your every need?

If ever I doubted the extent of His love for me, the happenstances in the past few days have been an incredible witness to it. I’m reminded of Matthew 6, where Jesus speaks into the anxieties of man, reminding us that His children are so much more precious to Him than the richly-adorned but short-lived flowers of the earth. His message in Matthew 6 is ultimately that He loves us so much that our every true need will be met, and we can find peace in that by seeking Him first in everything we do.

All I can think here is – wow, God’s love really is so much greater than I make it out to be. I can read and memorize Scripture all I want, I can pray for clear answers until I am blue in the face, but the most intense times that I encounter God’s true nature is in the midst of circumstances I never dreamed I would be in. In those times of the truest kind of surrender, His nature is revealed to be so much more mind-blowing than I ever thought.

C.S Lewis’s Screwtape Letters speaks to the tendencies of mankind to view God from a horrendously limited assumption that “God is exactly who I make Him out to be”. However, uncle Screwtape warns his nephew in letter 4 that when a believer “consciously directs his prayers “Not to what I think Thou art but to what Thou knowest thyself to be” “, that’s when we most closely encounter the Lord as He truly is.

All I want in this life is to be in relationship with the true King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Settling for a smaller ‘god’ of my own making is such a waste of my time and energy when Yahweh Himself is waiting for me to seek Him. In Mark 7:7, Jesus actually warns the people of worship done in vain, as it is more to please man-made law rather than God Himself. There is so much to be lost in vain worship, chasing after a god who only fits the mold of what our mind can comprehend of Him. And there is so much to be gained by chasing after the true God of creation. Here are just some of the things that I’m convinced are so much bigger and better than I think:

His promises. His victory. His eternality. His magnitude. His mercy. His grace. His constancy. His love for me (and you). His Word. His sovereignty. His presence. His names. His sacrifice. His justice. His faithfulness.

These are all things I need to focus on more. At this moment, His love is what’s most highlighted in my life.

Do you believe that I love you?

We’re getting there, Lord. We’re getting there.

~Hal

Soundtrack of a Blog

13. Can’t Outrun Your Love by Ellie Holcomb

14. You Love Me Best by Ellie Holcomb

15. 139/ Dead of Night by Leeland

16. Él Nos Ama by Christine D’Clario

Never in my life have I considered moving to the Pacific northwest. Not until All God’s Children, that is.

To keep a short story short, I applied for an internship with All God’s Children International in late March, was offered the position in early May, and began at the beginning of June. Just thinking back to how quick that process was gives me whiplash, goodness gracious. To go from discovering AGCI to working for them in Washington state within a couple of months was quite the paradigm shift for me. A lifestyle dedicated to orphan care wasn’t just a far-off dream anymore – it has finally become my reality.

I’d like to share the heart of AGCI and why it led me to pick up and move from one coast to the other.

If you visit allgodschildren.org, the first thing you will be greeted with is this verse:

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…” James 1:27

And if you are acquainted in any way with the scale of the plight of widows, orphans, and the oppressed, that verse alone brings us face to face with a daunting task. (This verse is only one of several hundred that reflect God’s heart to bring justice to the oppressed, by the way.) There are a variety of ways to care for populations in need of justice and care, resulting from the variety of situations that constitute the social group known as orphans. This link will give some background and estimated numbers that may provide context to the magnitude of the global orphan crisis. As it mentions in that link, the major ways to intervene into the cycle of the global orphan crisis are efforts to 1. preserve families whenever possible 2. reunite families whenever possible and 3. expand families through adoption when biological families are unwilling/unable to care for a child.

I’m so proud to work for and advocate for AGCI, an organization that has 5 specific spheres of intervention into the global orphan crisis – including efforts ranging from family stabilization models to adoption to policy change at the highest levels of government. All God’s Children Intl. began as an adoption agency that was (and has always been) dedicated to finding families for children, rather than finding children for families. The heart of AGCI has always been to advocate for children in the way that is best suited for them, which has led to the expansion of our efforts. I can’t stress enough how important it is for orphan care to be pursued in a holistic sense. The pro-life movement that the Church should be known for is one that does not begin with conception and end at birth. If your desire is to be pro-life, let me be one to tell you that God has not called you and I to be simply pro-birth. His heart is for you and I to care for all His children throughout the course of their lives. Regardless of ethnicity, regardless of religion, regardless of social status, regardless of mental or physical status, regardless of politic views – we are called to care for all of God’s children with the same compassionate heart that He has toward them.

Okay, I’ve got that off my chest. And I’ll be completely honest with you, as that is my continual desire for this platform, and tell you that my heart is still fearful and overwhelmed when I am confronted with the thought of being holistically pro-life. As just one 21-year-old girl with only a collective 3 months of lifetime experience in cross-cultural contexts and 3 months of working for AGCI, I am overwhelmed by the need I recognize across the globe. For example, encountering the homeless population in Vancouver and Portland has given me a discouraging sense of helplessness during my time here. How am I supposed to help them? And how am I supposed to help the refugees and immigrants being torn from their families at the border of my home state? How am I supposed to counsel every woman considering abortion that there is hope for life in the midst of her distress? How am I supposed to find families for every child that I receive files for at AGCI?

Here’s the thing – I’m not. God has not placed the entire weight of the oppressed and marginalized peoples in this world upon my shoulders. And the same goes for you, my friend. He has given us seriously powerful tools to fight this fight. One tool is a global network known as the Church – an institution created to be His hands and feet by sharing His heart of service and relentlessly pursuing justice. He’s also given us the Holy Spirit, the indwelling presence of the Lord that is our Life-giving source and keeps us from experiencing debilitating burnout from that relentless pursuit of justice.

It’s not up to one person to save the world and care for every orphan. The biggest reason for this is that there is one God who has already saved the world and already has a plan to care for every orphan. Because orphan care, and especially adoption, is the very picture of the Gospel (summarized in Galatians 4:4-5), it doesn’t surprise me at all that God has called us to be His image-bearers in this way.

We can’t save this world or heal all of the brokenness. Not by ourselves. Rather, we have been called to simply say yes. Yes, I will love all God’s children – because He first loved me, I will show His love by caring for His people. If he places an opportunity in front of me, I want to say yes and follow Him without question.

Now, if I know myself, I know I won’t be able to live up to what He’s asked of me. There are times that fear of the unknown or fear of being overtaken by the enormity of the issue has prevented me from acting, and I don’t doubt those times will come again. But I’ve got to recognize that failure to act doesn’t mean the end. God speaks in those moments of weakness, pointing out the people I didn’t see or didn’t want to see, and He convicts me that they are exactly the people He wants to use me to show love to. With time, I’ll come to realize that there truly is no fear in love. I’ll realize that Christ in me possesses greater strength than I’ll ever have by working in my own strength. And maybe one day I’ll realize that none of this is about me at all, but ultimately about giving glory to the only One who deserves it all.

Reconciliation. Redemption. Adoption. The heart of the Gospel and the heart of orphan care.

How can you say yes?

~Hal

Soundtrack of a Blog

9. Follow You (feat. Brandon Heath) by Leeland

10. All of God’s Children by Jon Foreman

11. I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves

12. For Your Glory by Leeland

Welcome back. Nice to see you around here again.

Alright let’s deep dive and cut straight to the heart of things. So last week, I reflected on my developing struggle to believe that God is sufficient for me. If that message resonated with you, if you’ve ever felt the suspicion in yourself that your fulfillment comes from earthly things rather than eternal things,

let’s go.

Let’s tackle this lie together and get into what is the truth. Because we know that ultimately God IS enough. It’s just our perception that needs work. For myself, discerning truth from emotions is a serious struggle that largely affects my outlook on my worth, my future, and my hope for things to become better. The same can likely be said for any struggling Christian – that distractions from the truth can lead to warped perceptions of our eternal worth, our eternal promises, and our eternal hope in Christ. It makes sense that lies and distractions are such a common method of spiritual attack. What possible way could Satan possibly deter us away from the unbelievable gospel of grace and redemption other than convincing us of “alternative facts” that trivialize the work of the cross?

God has placed an answer in front of my face that I’d love to be able to tell you all I’ve learned and mastered in this past week, and that this post will teach you exactly what I’ve learned on the other side. Nope. Again, I’ll be open with you and tell you I’ve only taken a couple baby steps on the way to owning this solution.

Part of the solution to dissatisfaction is gratitude. Simple as it may seem, it absolutely requires a lot of research and a lot of prayer. Which is great! Lord knows I need to be more in the Word and more consistently in communication with Him. The reason that gratitude is an effective solution is that it requires knowledge of what God has already done, which means knowledge of truth. And as I’ve just talked about above, acknowledging truth leads to freedom in the present.

Matthew 6:21:

²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

As long as I continue gratifying myself in earthly things, my heart belongs to those things. But I’m not meant to live that kind of life. I’m meant for better things, like what’s mentioned in Colossians 2:6-7:

⁶ So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, ⁷ rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

A life rooted and built up in Christ and overflowing with thankfulness. Well dang, if that isn’t the road to contentment in God then I don’t know what is.

But for the times when I feel that there’s a gap between the kind of faith in Christ I have now and the kind of faith I long for, there is Biblical proof that I don’t need to be discouraged. Thank God, because I’m pretty sure that’s a feeling that may not ever go away. Not only does Romans 8 make it clear that believers are no longer subject to condemnation (v1), but also in v38-39

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I’m also convinced that being weighed down by lies or by forgetfulness of the goodness of God doesn’t separate us from Him. Again, it just prevents joy in the present. Whether we acknowledge it or not, He is always with us. Psalm 139:1-12 makes it so clear that His presence follows us through every circumstance, from the very best and brightest of days to the days we feel are so dark that the Lord could never enter that space. He has promised to always be there. And so He will be.

Ephesians 1 & 2 are great passages covering the truth of who we are in Christ. They’re pretty long to include here, but they’re so valuable to spend some serious study time in. Some key words to take away from those passages –

Blessed. Chosen. Holy and blameless in His sight. Adopted. Redeemed. Lavished in grace. For His glory. Included in Christ. Marked. Alive. Saved. Raised and seated with Christ. God’s handiwork. Reconciled by the blood. Citizens. Sons. Dwelling places of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 6 speaks of why we have no need to worry, to fear, to doubt God’s provision, or to seek anything else but him. If he clothes the lilies of the field (or bluebonnets for you Texans who know the beauty of those classic bluebonnet fields) in so much beauty and splendor, won’t he much more care for us (oh, us funny people of little faith)? We are told not to worry for anything in our lives, because of the simple fact that He is enough and He has promised to carry us through the whole way. Verse 33:

³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things [our worries and cares] will be given to you as well.

Anxiety, depression, lies from Satan, wrestles with the flesh, and earthly solutions can all distract from God’s sufficiency and faithfulness. It’s so gut-wrenching that we obsess over these earthly things when He has promised us so many times over that we receive eternal fulfillment when we seek Him. Not that fulfillment is the goal, though.

HE is the goal. He is enough.

And I’m praying for the day when my heart knows that as deeply as my head.

~Hal

Soundtrack of A Blog (with italicized lyrics of personal significance to me)

5. God is Still Here by JJ Heller

“What if I believed that God would meet me in my trouble and my pain?
And all the truth that’s in my head would move down to my heart and then
I shall not want for anything and finally be at peace again.”

“What if all my life I wrestle with my worry and anxiety?
What if the thorn deep in my side is only there to help me see
That though I never ask for it, the desert is God’s gift to me?”

6. Nothing Stands Between Us by John Mark McMillan

“Have I tried to scale Your walls in vain?
To cross Your seas, I pushed against Your waves
What for all the miles have You to say?
Were You there beside me this whole way?”

“You always find me
In between the thunder and the lightning”

7. If… by Beautiful Eulogy

“What’s concealed in the heart of having
Is revealed in the losing of things.”

“I will praise your name in the giving and taking away,
If I have you I could lose everything and still consider it gain”

8. Moving Forward by Colony House

(The whole song, to be honest. This song is my life mantra)

Hello there. It’s been a while. Bet you forgot you were subscribed to this blog 🙂

(And to those of you who are seeing this blog for the first time, the previous posts on this blog cover my  2015 summer-long internship in northern Uganda. Definitely feel free to read them if you’d like, I won’t be deleting them. But this blog is going to become something different – not entirely new, but not so much having to do with the beautiful country that is Uganda.)

I’m not intending, or even wanting, to gain some kind of following through this blog. Really, my only intention here is to have somewhat of a truer connection with the people back in TX or VA (or wherever) who care to know what the heck is going on with my life up in the Pacific Northwest! I can’t FaceTime all of you every day, but I think this may be the best alternative to provide a deeper and comprehensive picture on the journey God has me on at the moment.

Because wow – has He thrown me for a loop. A crazy, jagged loop that spans the entire United States. I almost feel as if I could be a storybook character who was suddenly plucked out of the middle of her own story and physically casted away further than the reaches of her main story. If that makes sense at all, it’s really to say that I’m occasionally quite confused at why my current location is thousands of miles away from the people I know well and love so dearly.

Lynchburg, Virginia to Greenville, Texas to Vancouver, Washington.

Within a matter of two weeks, I called those three places home – the last of which I am still struggling to accept. Though it’s been two months since I arrived here, I’m still wrestling with God just about every day as to why I’m here. My job, which I’ll expand on some other day, is an incredible blessing to get to do right away after graduation. However, I can’t help but think there’s likely a multitude of similar opportunities significantly nearer to Lynchburg or Greenville. God brought me here for a reason – He must have – but to be quite transparent, I am not sure what that reason is. At least not yet. And that’s the struggle – finding peace in the unknown, in the waiting, in the solitude.

Buckle up for some real talk right here –

The heart of my struggle here is that I’m not satisfied in God alone. He brought me into this wilderness – an unfamiliar culture (Portland jeesh) in an unfamiliar side of this freaking wide country of ours – and has asked me a very poignant question.

“Am I sufficient for you?”

I heard a song today with these lyrics:

If all I have is You, I’m okay. If all I have is You, I’m just fine.

How many times have I sung along to worship songs along those same lines – of God being enough for me? My spirit’s very deepest desire is to say that God is enough for me. But I’ve got to be honest with myself, with you, and with Him, and say that I’m not yet satisfied in God alone. Again, it is my very deepest desire for that to become true. A closer reflection of my heart today is the bridge of a song I’ve quoted here on this blog before:

Let the things of Earth be swept away. Draw me close till only You remain.

God is humbling me by asking me to admit I’m not where we’d both like me to be. I’m not going to pretend my Christ-centered upbringing and my Bachelor’s degree from Liberty University has perfected my walk with Christ. As ever, it continues to be a fairly turbulent experience. However, He’s done a lot in me since my time at Village of Hope, all meant to equip me with strength and confidence to face every mountain. Whether it be a mountain of fear, a mountain of doubt, or a mountain of pride, He stands by my side and asks me to let Him take me by the hand and guide me along His intended path. I trust He knows what He is doing, and I trust that He is good. The only trouble is that I can’t see where we’re going or why it had to happen this way.

It’s possible that you, lovely reader, have experienced this as well. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have wisdom to share, questions to ask, or any comments at all. I want to know you as well as you’ll get to know me here.

This post is one of just flat-out unreserved openness about the current struggle. More deep diving into the beauty that’s coming out of it will come in later posts. As the indwelling Spirit chips away at my rough edges every day, I’ll update you all with what I’m learning along the way.

I’ll leave you with something relevant for the both of us.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as your trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13]

~Hal

ALSO (ha you thought I was done)

If you know me, Haley Nicole Whitaker™, you probably won’t find this next part surprising at all. I want to start adding song recommendations at the end of every post that reflect my current experience. Music is absolutely one of the strongest ways to convey experiences without me physically being there with you.

So don’t worry, I have great taste in music y’all.

1. Weak Man by Leeland
2. In the Whisper by Christy Nockels
3. Remembrance by Hillsong Worship
4. All I Want by Red Rocks Worship