A Few Observations

  By

When I was in high school, I remember a specific conversation I had with my dad in the car on the way to church. At that time, there was a gender hierarchy in the church leadership guidelines, and I was asking him why that was. Why were women not allowed to hold certain roles, even if it was clear they had been gifted by God with preaching and teaching abilities? In my mind it didn’t make sense. Was it that there is some malfunction in women’s brains that allow them to understand and accept the Gospel, but prevents them from communicating it without speaking heresy? Anyway, I asked my dad (who was on the elder board of our church at the time) why the elders weren’t talking about the legitimacy of the restrictions on women in the church. And his answer to me was this – “well, we don’t see a need to talk about it right now. It’s just not a priority”. And I was thinking “Of course it’s not a priority to y’all, you’re all men! who already hold positions of authority!” The problem was that he and the other elders weren’t on the receiving end of the injustice – it was literally the same frustration I and other women were feeling that led them to see it as a non-issue.

Isn’t that the same mindset we’re using to ignore the overt and covert racism in our churches, in our cities, and in our own hearts? The privilege my dad had to allow him to say that to me is the same kind of privilege white people hold when they say “Well, it doesn’t really seem like an issue we need to talk about. Racism was killed by legislation in the ’60’s, so why should we bring it up now?”. Here’s the thing – white people hold the majority of positions of power in this country. We’ve never experienced what it’s like to be Black and live in America. Truthfully, we have no right to say racism isn’t an issue when we’re not on the receiving end of the injustice.

Another similarity between white privilege and my dad’s male privilege from the conversation above: My dad is a wonderful, compassionate, Jesus-loving, intelligent, hard-working person. I can’t say enough good things about him, he’s probably my favorite person on this earth. It took him 45ish years of life to develop the God-given wisdom and qualifications to become a church elder. I think he was absolutely right for that position, but here’s the thing – gender was never a factor for him that might’ve held him back from any positions in the church. Whereas, prior to 2016, if a woman at my church had the same qualifications and giftings as my dad, she would be automatically barred from certain positions of authority. In this same way we can understand white privilege. If your argument of its nonexistence is “you can’t say that applies to me. I’ve worked hard to get where I am”, I’m not fighting you that you put in the time and effort to build your life. Instead I’m saying white privilege allowed you to move through the ranks of life, of your career, of your social status, of your community – without ever having to be concerned that the color of your skin would negatively impact you. Again I will say, if you’re a white person reading this, you and I have no idea what it’s like to be Black in America. We are not allowed to claim the nonexistence of systemic racial injustice.

I’ve been silently (and maybe sometimes not so silently) reflecting on the failings of the church for a few years now. What I’m about to speak on absolutely is not me saying the church has failed in its entirety. I don’t think that’s a power we hold anyway. But I’d like to, as your sister in Christ, hold my brothers and sisters accountable for a specific sin struggle that usually we’d rather not talk about. Prep yourself for a defensive reaction to what I’m about to say, and please try to recognize it and put it aside for a second so that you can just listen to what I have to say. I’m not condemning – just calling us out on the unholy habits we have that we should’ve done away with a long time ago. It’s not in 100% of our churches, but enough of them.

The American church is failing at love and basic empathy. In the American spirit of individualistic protectionism, we’ve put constraints on the love we have for the world (where Jesus Himself put none). Each person has their own unique constraints, but generally these constraints have to do with the people who don’t share any demographic groups with us. Or the people our preferred politician tells us to stay away from. Or the people our social media timelines tell us are committed to destroying our way of life. Yikes. Can we just throw all of that out for a second and look at how God tells us to treat every human, regardless of how we feel about them? As followers of Christ, that’s all we should care about anyway.

“Love your neighbor as yourself”

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”.

LOVE THEM. ALL O’ ‘EM.

To be clear, no human is actually our enemy. How often do we remember “our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers and principalities of hell” (Ephesians 6:12)? Instead, we choose to place the label of “enemy” on people that God Himself gave everything for, people He loves *literally* to death. We actively and willfully dishonor God by pitting ourselves against other image-bearers. And I’m not speaking as someone who’s immune to that tendency. I fail at this all the flipping time. In past weeks, I’ve been asking God to reveal/remove my own apathy toward oppressed and marginalized people groups as well as my own prejudice against those on the conservative side of the racial arguments who unsympathetically deny systemic racism. But the point is that we MUST put our collective hope in Jesus to change that in us, to lead us so regularly to His heart that His way of life is the only way of life we see or want.

What is the church’s intended relationship with the world? I’m sure you remember the Great Commission. Would you agree with me that in many churches in America, the Great Commission has been monetized and commercialized? Would you agree with me that Jesus’ intention in giving us the Great Commission was never that we would spend thousands on airfare and luxury accommodations to carry the white man’s burden to a third world country for a week and return feeling really good about ourselves? Would you agree with me that His intent was instead that we would view the whole world, not as enemies, but as versions of ourselves prior to knowing the unbelievable love of Christ? I hear confirmation in that when Jesus told the people to love their neighbors as themselves. No human can be our enemy when we recognize and empathize with them as individual image-bearers in the same position we were in prior to knowing Christ. We should be fighting each other to be the ones on the front lines of providing physical and spiritual care to those in need, not fighting against or subjugating the rest of the world as if God didn’t create them in His image too. Church, we are called to listen to, empathize with, and seek justice for the cries of the oppressed. We are not at war with other image-bearers.

A lot of this has been rant-ish, so let me end with a word of encouragement. Specifically, a word that God has spoken to me recently.

“You’re never gonna be perfect. But you’re always gonna belong to me.”

God (literally) stopped me in my tracks with that a couple weeks ago. In my effort to “act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly”, I was really noticing a lot of the places I was failing to do those things. And it’s really easy for the death spiral to start in my mind when I start thinking of things like that. But God stopped that from happening by reminding me of what is true. I’m never gonna be perfect, but I’m always gonna belong to Him. It’s totally true, I promise. Read this:

“So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to Him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.” Romans 7:4

How specific or vague is your doctrine of what changed as a result of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection? Because in this passage, you can confidently add this into the mix: we (YOU. ME.) are no longer subject to the system that says our failings separate us from God. My concern will never ever ever again be that my failings change God’s opinion of me or my standing in His kingdom. Instead, I’m free to fail! I’m free to run back to the way of Jesus as many times as I need. Because I know His mercies are endless (Lamentations 3:22-23). Because I know He promised that for every time I am faithless to Him, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13). Because I know that He is good and He said that the work is finished (John 19:30). Because I know that I’m under a new and living way that allows me to follow Jesus imperfectly (Hebrews 10). (My last post was actually about this too, so go take a look if you feel so led).

If you are a follower of Jesus, then you’re a follower of Jesus. All I encourage you to do is just to do that. Follow Him, study His way, His truth, and His life. Go straight to the source, and live your life from there. I’m begging you – don’t let your worldly affiliations bleed into how you treat image-bearers. That’s really the heart of what I wanted to say here. Sorry not sorry it took this big long post.

(Though if it makes you feel better, if I typed out everything I was thinking this’d rival the brick that is the unabridged version of Les Mis sitting on my bookshelf.)

-Hal

Soundtrack of a Blog:

29. Grace & Mercy by Jess Ray

Free to Fail

  By

With as much time as I spend thinking about being under the new covenant instead of the old, you’d think I’d have gotten the hang of things by now. And by things, I mean

How I view myself from an eternal standpoint. How I spend my time. How I react to life’s challenges. How I speak to others. How I speak to myself in my internal narrative. How I understand the reality of the relational dynamic between God and me.

You know, those kind of things.

But with every passing day, God sheds a little more light on my situation to light up details I never realized before. He often gives me opportunities to choose to live in His reality or in a false one. The summation of these opportunities He gives me is called life. Sometimes it comes in the form of the most minimal of choices, sometimes as a fleeting thought, sometimes as a sentence I read. Every day, I am offered countless decisions to live in God’s reality or some shoddy imitation of life.

What makes the difference? I personally think it boils down to taking God at His Word. In any situation, we have the opportunity to either

  1. act in a way that naturally reflects our understanding of what God says about who we are and what He wants for us

or

2. not do that

I think it’s really that simple. Well, the alternative at least. Definitely not the journey to consciously knowing and choosing the first alternative the majority of the time. That’s a whole separate ballgame.

To provide a metaphor –

Well hey, let’s use a ballgame. I’m a fan of baseball, I grew up with the Texas Rangers constantly on the television, and I’d say I’m fairly knowledgeable about the game that is baseball and how someone would look like as a successful player. But after 20ish years of exposure to baseball, I couldn’t just walk onto a field and play a perfect game. Why? There are things involved in developing those set of skills. It takes time, energy, motivation, practice, struggle, and at times, even failure. Those are necessary components to able to live out the way a baseball player plays the game.

Obviously, there are limits to this metaphor, and I want to be clear about what I’m NOT saying. I’m not saying life is like winning a game, or that God is just some kind of watchful and uninvolved umpire waiting for you to slide across home plate. I’m not saying the point of our time here is to develop skills that will make us look good in God’s eyes.

Now here’s what I am saying.

Life is beautiful, and it also involves struggle. Though followers of Jesus have eternal reconciliation with God, we still live in a supremely fallen world that will cause trouble for all people, believer or not. As Jesus said in John 16, we will have trouble in this world. Guaranteed trouble. No qualifiers to be found here. But what does He also say? Well, immediately after, He did say He has already overcome the world. Awesome. Some other relevant things to remember –

Hebrews 4 says that any person who has entered His rest through Christ has rested from his or her own works. Our performance means nothing to God any longer. NUH. THING.

Philippians 3 says that if we have been taken hold of by Christ, we must forget what is behind. We must forget the way we used to live, under a crushingly holy set of laws that we could never honor without the entrance of Jesus’ new covenant.

Hebrews 8 says that the old covenant was a copy, a shadow, of heavenly things, when Jesus has now obtained a superior ministry built on life-giving promises. In fact, it says that Jesus declared that the old covenant is obsolete. That superior ministry is the one we’ve accepted, though I think we often forget that. At least I do.

And Hebrews 10 contains the final nail in the old covenant’s coffin. It says that by God’s will, we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all time.

Once, for all time. My friends, it is truly finished.

Now let me tie this back to the baseball metaphor. What was one thing necessary to become a true baseball player? Struggle, sometimes to the point of failure.

Here is the crescendo of this whole post:

How does a follower of Jesus live under this new covenant and experience failure at the same time?

Answer: Easily. And gratefully.

Do you think I’m crazy? A thousand Bible-thumpers across the world just excommunicated me from their faith for saying that. If their religion requires failure (also called sin) to lead to guilt and penance, I don’t want it anyway.

I want the Jesus that said that because He is the risen Lord who overcame sin and death, I’m free to fail. It’s kind of insulting to say “Jesus, I accept that You died to atone for my sins,” and then live the rest of our lives feeling like each subsequent failure drives Him away with a disgusted sneer. No, when He died to atone for your sins, for my sins, He was aware of every single one. All our sins were future sins to Him, none of them surprises. But when we are surprised by the sin struggles we didn’t know about yesterday, we can easily forfeit the present truth for old habits that belong to an old covenant. Please, let’s trade shame for freedom. Law for grace.

It’s one thing for me to say that when we fail, we can trust that God’s opinion of us doesn’t change. I really hope you know that His love for you isn’t conditional like that.

But it’s another thing, like I said above, to fail and be grateful for failure. Why in the world would I be grateful, you might ask?

In the words of Saint Catherine,

“All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus said, “I am the Way.”

AH THAT IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD.

As we struggle, fail, learn, develop, and change, God is with us through the whole way. He promised that His Holy Spirit has made a home in each of us who believe. With every time we take choice 1 or choice 2 (from above), He is with us, changing us. If He IS the Way, we experience Him every day.

To make it personal, I’ll tell you why this means the world to me today. I felt the pull toward the things of earth. Not even things that were necessarily bad in and of themselves. Adventure, love, beauty, etc. The issue was that I realized that I replaced those things as the most present desires of my heart, removing God from His rightful place on the highest pedestal there. It was a temporary feeling, but it made me crazy. How could I call myself a Jesus follower when I had failed Him so miserably, trading His love for the pull of the world?

And I was stuck there for a while, in that pit of self-condemnation. It really sucked and it was really not in line with the new covenant. And then I heard these words in a song I’ve heard countless times but heard in a new way today

You say it’s already done.

The war for my heart is won.

That was all it took.

And in seconds, using 12 words, God lovingly reminded me of my place with Him. Because He has won, I’m free to fail. Not only am I free to fail, but I’m free to see each failure as a way to see Jesus clearer. As of this morning, my heart knowledge of the Way of Jesus is a little bit deeper. I am so grateful that as the Way, He always there guiding me.

I love it. Like He said, He came to offer us real Life. Life in the fullest sense possible. In this fallen world, that looks like a Messiah whose eternal work is done, but will still take the time to walk with me through every choice I make to help tune my heart toward His own.

He helps guide me along the Way without expectation of perfection, not even a specific pace. Just continual seeking of Him. That is a good God if I’ve ever known one.

-Haley

Soundtrack of a Blog:

28. Simple by People & Songs

The Strangest and Most Unwelcome Phenomenon in the Church

  By

I’ll spoil it for you right now – it’s fear.

Fear causes us to struggle and flail. Fear causes us to focus on anything but God – a gravely serious phenomenon that must be addressed.

Fear is the motivation behind division and hatred.

Fear makes way to justify corruption and abuses of power.

Fear bankrupts our compassion for those Jesus called us to love.

Fear can turn believer against believer.

Fear works to undermine the security Jesus won for us.

Fear steals our peace and confidence to act in the name of Jesus.

Fear forces our eyes off of God and onto ourselves.

Fear wipes our memory of what God has promised will come to pass.

Fear convinces us that the solution to our problems is self-dependence.

Fear says that it’s up to us to solve the issues of this broken world.

Fear says there’s no way we can do that, so we might as well give up our mission.

Fear says focus on protecting ourselves first.

Fear says it’s easier to make choices based off of what we see today rather than believing the full picture of God’s sovereignty over all things past, present, and future.

And none – absolutely NONE – of this gives Life in the way Jesus does. In fact, it does the opposite of what Jesus came to do. Fear strips us of our faith in God, and subsequently strips us of the joy we find in living Life to the full.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

In 1 John, it’s stated that there is no fear in love. And that is the bottom line of why it is so unwelcome in the church. Fear has no legitimate claim on those who are reconciled to God, yet it plagues us daily. As John 10:10 says, the enemy’s goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. What better way to strategize against an enemy that you already know will win in the end than convincing that enemy that the security they thought they had is false? Steal their confidence, kill their faith, destroy their peace. It makes strategic sense.

Remember this –

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Fear is unwelcome in the heart of a believer because it is a tactic of an antagonistic enemy to undermine the truth of who we are and thus prevent us from enjoying the Life that Jesus won for us.

Luckily, regardless of whether we believe it 100% of the time or not, our God has given us everything we need to have Life.

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

“When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. When He had disarmed the rulers and authorities, He made a public display of them, having triumphed over them through Him.” (Colossians 2:13-15)

“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.” (Revelation 12:10)

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” (Galatians 5:13-14)

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1-4)

Honestly, it’s crazy how easily we can be convinced otherwise. It’s kind of become a cultural norm for the church to be associated with perpetrating abuse and/or manipulation, and I absolutely believe this to be the result of believers who have not embraced the full gospel. A partial gospel that fails to encapsulate the great grace we have now will ultimately fail to extend that same grace to others. A partial gospel that gives way to fear will safeguard itself from the very same world we are called to show compassion toward. A partial gospel that does not know the power of God will turn to alternate sources of power, leading to an apathetic view of God and consequent corruption.

A partial gospel is no gospel at all. It’s so important to regularly be reminded of the full gospel and who are are called to be post-resurrection:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” (Colossians 3:12-15)

This is who we are called to be. A people defined by God, not by fear. A people defined by the peace and freedom we have, inspired by our Father’s nature to become more like Him.

There’s only one song to be added to the Soundtrack of a Blog today, and here are the lyrics + the link below to the playlist. Have an awesome time jamming out to these truths, because this song is straight up amazing.

-Haley

More Than Conquerors by Rend Collective:

When my hope and strength is gone
You’re the one who calls me on
You are the life
You are the fight
That’s in my soul

Oh, Your resurrection power
Burns like fire in my heart
When waters rise
I lift my eyes
Up to Your throne

We are more than conquerors, through Christ
You have overcome this world, this life
We will not bow to sin or to shame
We are defiant in Your name
You are the fire that cannot be tamed
You are the power in our veins
Our Lord, our God, our Conqueror

I will sing into the night
Christ is risen and on high
Greater is He
Living in me
Than in the world

No surrender, no retreat
We are free and we’re redeemed
We will declare
Over despair
You are the hope

We are more than conquerors, through Christ
You have overcome this world, this life
We will not bow to sin or to shame
We are defiant in Your name
You are the fire that cannot be tamed
You are the power in our veins
Our Lord, our God, our Conqueror

Nothing is impossible
Every chain is breakable
With You, we are victorious
Jesus, you are stronger than our hearts
You are greater than the dark
With You, we are victorious

The Dimensions of God

  By

Though I barely understand Him, I know that He is good.

More often than not, my view of God is closer to Him being a far-off mystery than Someone who is living in me. What even does that mean, to be living in me? If someone cut me open, would you see God flowing in my muscles, in my lungs, swirling around my heart? Probably not.

It must then be something else. Something I haven’t yet come to fathom. It must be that God is bigger and more fantastic than I imagine, not solely limited in the exact ways my mind is limited. Hmm. Shouldn’t that be obvious, that there is no rational way that YHWH Himself has the same limitations in His existence and power that my mind places on Him?

C.S. Lewis says something very profound in Letter IV of the Screwtape Letters – that the gap between the god in our mind and the God in reality can be bridged through the honest prayer directed toward: “Not to what I think thou art, but to what thou knowest thyself to be,”. A humbling and life-shattering prayer.

God has never been just what I see Him as. How do I know this?

The god in my mind is usually small. Far away. Judgmental and scrutinizing. Uninvolved except on rare occasions. Indifferent toward the prayers I direct at him.

But not always. There are moments of light that get more and more frequent. And I believe this is the Christian walk. Not a perfect road – straight, clear, flat, and with a crystal-clear view of everything that lies ahead. The Christian walk is one of constant growth, occasional confusion, and is altogether the greatest and most dramatic adventure in existence. The road lies on mountainous terrain, impossible to pass without the illumination of the Spirit granted to every one of us.

And that is the goodness of God. Though I barely understand Him, I know He is good:

Though we weren’t even necessary, He created us in His divine image. Unashamed love from the very start, y’all. (Genesis 1:27)

Though we became hostile and sinful, God still showed mercy and listened to His people, even agreeing to continue to reveal Himself to His people. This passage is so huge. (Exodus 33:12-34:10)

Though His people became apathetic and wanted to return to the slavery He had delivered them from, He gave and gave and gave good things to His wandering people. (Joshua 24:13-14)

Though His people endured exile and shame, He made a way to redeem their broken relationship by actively intervening in the lives of the rulers of the world. (Ezra 1:1-2)

Though His people feared that He had abandoned them to darkness, He remained a ruler over all things and remained firm in His authority. (Job 38:19-21) (Honestly, all of Job 38-42 is just a flooring passage.)

Though the fallenness in humanity has brought injustice across the world, God Himself promised to restore all things to peace and balance. (Isaiah 42:4)

Though we were defined by the slavery of sin and were walking in darkness, Jesus offered Life through His own life. (John 12:44-50)

Though we had not done a thing to bridge the gap between our brokenness and God’s perfection, Jesus became the bridge to redemption. No longer were we defined as orphans, but as children of God, receiving all the righteousness associated with that status. (John 14:18-21)

Though we fail to take God at His Word which says Jesus’ life is our own from the very moment we accept Him, we try to impress God with our own actions and righteousness. Instead of becoming angry, He reminds us in beautiful imagery that it is always Him that brings true Life in our lives. (John 15:4-5)

Though the post-resurrection church continues to fail to take God at His Word, He reminds us repeatedly that the Life and Spirit He has granted us is ALL that we need. It’s not our own goodness that brought eternal redemption, but His goodness. (Romans 8:9-11)

The entire course of history is a history of salvation. HE made us, HE gave grace upon grace while His people rebelled and strayed, HE made Himself in human form, HE became a teacher and a healer and a servant, HE gave up Himself to a cross created by the very people He would save with it, HE overcame death and in doing so defeated the darkness that bound His children, HE granted the Holy Spirit to be our ever-present guide, HE promises that we will be HIS forever and ever and ever and ever.

He is a good God. A lover of beauty, of adventure, of revelation, of family, of redemption, of justice, of all that reflects His perfect nature.

And this is all to say that He is so much more than we make Him out to be. This is exactly why I think the Christian walk is the most dramatic adventure in existence, as it is a lifetime full of moments where we discover who God truly is rather than what we’ve made Him out to be. We will discover that He is fierce and passionate and jealous, and He is also joyful and loving and a patient Father. We will discover that his ways are definitely not our ways, but they are so much better than ours. We will discover that apathy and stagnancy means a life apart from the Life He has granted us.

One day, I’ll believe everything He says about me. That I am His and my sins have been washed clean by the power of His own sacrifice. That He loved me enough then to die for me, and He still loves me to that same degree even when I don’t remember or acknowledge it. That His goodness, power, and love don’t change depending on my understanding of them. That true Life comes from believing Him. From loving Him. From worshiping Him. From seeking Him above all else.

Parting thought that I am asking myself and also encourage you to do the same –

Am I seeking to be more like Jesus, or am I seeking Jesus? Very similar phrases, but not at all similar in where they lead.

Remember what He said in John 15 – only when we are connected to Him, the Vine, can we bear fruit. Our goal is not to bear fruit alone, but to be connected to the Vine first. I find that when I have this backwards and become more fixated on developing fruit than being connected to the Vine, I become barren and self-conscious (a dangerous thing to be while Satan still has anything to say about it). But when I put things in their right order and become fixated on my connection with the Vine first and foremost, I then bear fruit automatically by being God-conscious (how we are meant to be, and if you don’t believe me, read 2 Corinthians 3:4-6, Colossians 3:1-3, Romans 8:6-12, Romans 6:11, John 17:22-24, and well, basically all of the Bible if we’re being honest.)

The goodness of God means that anyone who has received His life is now subject only to His goodness. Not that we won’t experience trouble in this world, as Jesus pointed out in John 16:33, but we will only ever truly belong to a God that is much bigger and better than we can imagine.

-Haley

Soundtrack of a Blog:

26. Dimensions by Jess Ray

That’s the only one for today. Please put it on repeat 1000000 times, I promise it’s worth it.

Highs & Lows

  By

Resonating with a song is a fun experience for me. Usually it means I’ll listen to it 100 times in the first week and then spend the rest of my life connecting that song to that specific period of time I was obsessed with it. Go big or go home, right.

The song after which this post is named will forever be tied in my mind to these past couple of weeks. I’m so glad it exists and I’d like to share with you about why that is.

The song “Highs and Lows” by Hillsong Y&F largely takes from the first half of Psalm 139, which I think is an unfortunately neglected portion of that psalm. Over the years, I’ve found myself repeatedly drawn to this specific passage of scripture, and the reasons for that aren’t exactly the kind that fit nicely in a box with a bow on top. They’re more like the ones I’d rather shove back into a dark corner and not ever face without a very good reason to. In less metaphorical terms, the main reason why I’m drawn to Psalm 139 is because there are many times, like David refers to in this psalm, that my thoughts and feelings, my mental health, and lies from the enemy all compound on each other to convince me that I’m isolated. Alone. Defenseless.

Yikes.

Honestly, it’s a sucky place to be, and sometimes it takes a lot longer to come back from that place than I’d like to admit. Feeling lonely feels lonely, you know? That’s kind of the way it works. Believing that there’s no one around who can fully understand the context of your thought processes makes it tough for anyone to even know there’s an issue. Reaching out to someone who might not understand in the way you want them to is a risk, and it’s easier to stay quiet and wait for some kind of epiphany or resolution. But then what? I’ll tell you what – that course of action results in an extended period of perceived isolation, which is the exact thing you don’t want to happen. And it can seem like a dangerous situation with no way out. Option 1 is to reach out for help and receive unhelpful feedback or even judgment. Option 2 is to keep everything internal and things only get worse.

And that’s exactly how the downward spiral grows to terrifying speeds, because there’s no way to resolve this, right? No way to fix this.

Stop. Wait. There must be something not taken into account here.

This is where Psalm 139 makes its subtle entrance and kindly turns my focus away from the dark void in front of me and instead toward the safe-haven that was right next to me the entire time.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

And just like that, God has reminded me of the game-changing fact that He is with me through any high and any low. All of a sudden, I’m aware that my full vision was obscured by these dark clouds that had been raining down lie after lie about who I am and who my Father is.

Critical note to mention: Awareness of the lies does not in itself fix the issues. But what it does do is give the needed perspective that will begin the healing process.

Mental health is something to be taken very seriously in my book – as something that not only exists, but also as something that is influenced by an unknown number of variables that include things both in and out of our control. As someone who studied counseling at a Christian university, I have come to have a deep respect for varying interpretations about what kind of root causes may be manifesting through destructive mental health. Okay, I’m hopping off my soap box now. Though if you’d like to talk more about this, please leave a comment or reach out to me in some other way!

And back to my main reason for talking about all of this. I don’t have to be functioning at my very best to have God on my side. In fact, it’s probably helpful to accept that many times God will make His presence very clear to me in the times when I need a serious rescue. His Word says that there is no place too dark, too deep, too far away for God to join me there. Though join may not be a good word choice since it implies there was a time He wasn’t with me. David asks in his psalm “Where can I go from Your Spirit?”. And wait, isn’t this the same Spirit that Jesus is referring to in the John 14?

16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth.

(emphasis mine)

Okay, so the word forever is thrown around here. I’ll take a wild guess and say the word forever in the original text means forever.

Hey I just researched it, and turns out it means forever. Nice.

Deep breath in. Deep sigh out. God promises His presence to us in every state we might find ourselves in. For those who love Him and have found Life in Christ, there is no such thing as true isolation. Perceived isolation can be dangerous, but only when untouched by the truth. It makes sense that Hebrews 4 says:

12 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

In Psalm 139, John 14, and Hebrews 4, my God and Father is telling me

  1. His presence is not hindered in the least by darkness, either physical or mental.
  2. His presence has been gifted to His children for all eternity.
  3. His Word acts as a sword to cut away at the darkness and expose the truth.

To me, that sounds like He might just love us. A lot. He sure has provided the strength I couldn’t have mustered on my own. What I take from this is that in every high and every low I experience, my only responsibility is to remember God. It’s not on my shoulders to win the war, but instead I must remember the Lord Almighty has always been my greatest defender.

I could go on and on. Obviously having a lot of thoughts is a common occurrence for me. But I’ll end with these next few songs I’m adding to my running playlist. I hope you find meaning and inspiration in these lyrics like I have:

~Haley

Soundtrack of a Blog:

22. Highs and Lows by Hillsong Young and Free

23. In the Meantime by Jess Ray

24. Gallows by Jess Ray

25. Fighting Words by Ellie Holcomb

Christ alone.

  By

Does God give you His Spirit and work miracles among you because you observed the law, or because you believe what you heard?

That previous sentence is actually a verse from Galatians, but the question in itself is ridiculously poignant and relevant for believers today. The verse comes from a passage that is equal parts scathing as it is rhetorical. Paul is unbelievably frustrated with the Galatian church after they’ve abandoned the freedom of the true gospel for a watered down version that keeps believers under the yoke of an impossible set of laws. Here, let me write out the whole passage, but pretend that you yourself are the one speaking the words. For me, that can help to understand the intonation of another person’s words a little more –

You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing – if it really was for nothing? Does God give you His Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

Galatians 3:1-5

Dang, Paul. That’s quite the verbal chastisement. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to be the one opening this letter, expecting maybe some kind teaching and encouragement like the letters he’s sent to surrounding churches, only to start skimming and then realize this one is totally different.

But now, here is my next challenge: Read the passage as if Paul is speaking to you personally. Go ahead, I’ll still be here when you’re done.

Okay, done? Let’s talk about why that passage makes me feel like someone took a spotlight and shone it smack dab on the parts of my life that I try to hide most earnestly from the world. Maybe you feel that way too? I’m going to take a wild guess and say a good number of the believers that will read this can probably remember the times they’ve turned to good performance rather than faith.

Here’s a hot take from Haley – I really don’t want to just say “ugh, I struggled with this so much you guys” and then move on to what I’ve learned. I’d rather you know that the truth is that I’m still, today, learning so much. In no way do I want to seem as if I’m this totally put together person that writes about how I perfectly diagnose and root out the brokenness I see in my life. Generally when I write these blog posts, it’s because I process through what God is teaching me in the present moment by putting it in word form. I’m still struggling with all of this, and the point of me writing this down is to acknowledge some things. The truth is that, by my own standards, I’m not all that great. Most days in the past many months, I’ve had this unwelcome and impending sense that I’m failing God (for a variety of shortcomings). As just one example that is relevant to this topic – I seek out material things, I seek out knowledge, I seek out things that will make me feel and look like a put-together Christian. By this, I even mean Christian books, Christian music, volunteering opportunities, etc. And I still have many days where I think “Lord, where the heck are You?”.

But the issue is really not in the Lord’s presence. Turns out (He let me know) it’s in where I focus my thoughts and spend my time. Seeking after the things a “good Christian” would want is not in itself helping me find Life. This is where John 15 comes into play, and Jesus’ words remind me of what is true.

I [Jesus] am the vine; you [believers] are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:5

My misinterpretation of the gospel has led me to live as if seeking after Godly things is a fulfilling goal. Jesus, on the other hand, (who may be just a bit wiser than me) turns my assumption on its head.

In my head: Surrounding myself with Godly things will lead me to God.

Jesus: You will not bear any fruit (Godliness) unless you remain in me.

Somehow, I’ve come to subconsciously believe that I can expect to bear fruit first, and get to know God later.

! That’s literally backwards. !

How in the world can any person bear fruit without being connected first to the Vine?? This is exactly what Jesus is saying.

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things [peace, provision] will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

I [Jesus] am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

John 14:6

He makes it so clear, dang it y’all. Where did we get the idea that our goal is to do good, look good, and feel good about ourselves? Goodness or maybe niceness, or – I don’t know, fill in the blank of what it is you seek – any other feelings, these are not our goal.

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:14

He died for everyone so that those who receive His new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.

2 Corinthians 5:15

The very best goal is to live 1. for Christ 2. and to live for Him as we move closer to being with Him in heaven. It’s only a natural response to recipients of grace who understand just how amazing this truth really is.

When we understand how much we are loved, we understand how to live in freedom. When we understand that “It is finished”, we live as if it is really true. That simple. When we understand that “there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”, we can live as if that promise applies to us (because it does).

And it’s not my job to get this to become heart knowledge for you. For one, heck I’m still learning all this myself. Second reason (better reason) is that I’m not God. I don’t have a part in your personal relationship with God, all I can do is encourage you to keep seeking Him. Even when it’s so so hard, keep seeking after Him. Even when He takes away that thing you love most, keep seeking after Him. Even when you think He’s been silent and it’s much more interesting to go buy something that will distract you for a day, keep seeking after Him. Even when you secretly believe He’s orchestrated everything in your life to come apart at the seams, keep seeking after Him. Even when life is perfect and you equate contentment with not needing God, keep seeking after Him.

It’s so much better to believe His Word and follow what He says. It’s just so much better His way. And His way is simple – seek after Him and His righteousness (see Matthew 6:33 again). For you out there who hear “seek righteousness” and to you it sounds like another job to do, let me give context with this verse from Romans.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Christ Jesus to all who believe… For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and have been justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Romans 3:22-24

Sorry I ended up bolding most of that little passage, but I mean – wow, there’s your answer right there. We’re not enough. We don’t have to be enough. Christ has justified us freely, because He’s just that dang awesome. All He does ask of us is to have faith. Righteousness from faith. How incredibly ingenious. How incredibly life-giving. Praise God that He is intelligent, loving, and just all at the same time. (And a billion more good things, but that’s another post)

And one more thought – thanks if you’ve stuck around this long – so that hopefully this message doesn’t come across as “PEOPLE GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND ASCRIBE TO THE LORD HIS GLORY”. My intent isn’t to persuade through guilt or shame, pushing that we don’t know the Bible well enough and that must mean we suck. And here’s the kicker that would make that pointless anyway – we’re guaranteed that we will continually not live up to God’s calling while we live in this broken world. In the book I’m reading at the moment (Garden City by John Mark Comer (!!!!!)), a quote stuck out to me about the mercy hidden within the curse God laid upon creation after the Fall. The author rightly says that “nothing could be more disastrous for the world than God’s image-bearers finding identity and belonging and even satisfaction apart from Him”. God was the Author of the curse, and it’s really no surprise that even a curse can be used to draw His kids back to Him. Other earthly things will draw our attention now and then, but ultimately we will only ever find true satisfaction and Life in Christ alone.

~Hal

Soundtrack of a Blog:

  1. One and Only – Jess Ray
  2. Stupid Deep – Jon Bellion
  3. There is No Striving – Rita Springer
  4. Defender – Rita Springer
  5. P E A C E – Hillsong Young & Free

I love the common thread throughout these 5 songs – God is good and His love for us is freely given, unreserved, and overcomes all things.

Do you believe that I love you?

  By

I believe that Jesus recently asked me the question above.

Let me preface by adding that I rarely hear from God this clearly. I know He can and does speak to me in a variety of ways, but in all honesty I’m pretty bad at hearing His voice most of the time.

But this question. Wow. With absolutely no guilt or anxiety hanging onto the back of His question, Jesus brought me face to face with my own knowledge of Him. Not just the head knowledge, but the heart knowledge.

Do you believe that I love you?

Hmm. I know that He loves me. I’ve known that since before I could form full sentences – “Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so”. Sure, baby stuff. But a distinction must be made between that knowledge that more consists of memorizing words or facts and the knowledge that is attributed to knowing something precisely as it is, as the result of having experienced the truth deep within.

Gnosis: the Greek equivalent of head knowledge

Epignosis: the Greek equivalent of heart knowledge

There is a discernible difference between those two that applies to the question He asked me. Not “Are you aware that I have love for you?”, but “Do you know at your very core that I love you, as you have experienced Me in a real way and can no longer be persuaded otherwise?”.

It should be noted that everything up until this paragraph was written 2.5 days before the rest of this entry, and in that 2.5 days I experienced some insanely unusual life happenstances. During that time, the temptation to fear for the very worst of outcomes was overshadowed by a strange and ill-fitting sense of peace. All I can say is that God has provided so generously for me in these past few days, granting me blessing upon blessing and steering me away from my crippling anxieties rooted in the irrational fear that I’m going through this life alone.

Do you believe that I love you enough to provide your every need?

If ever I doubted the extent of His love for me, the happenstances in the past few days have been an incredible witness to it. I’m reminded of Matthew 6, where Jesus speaks into the anxieties of man, reminding us that His children are so much more precious to Him than the richly-adorned but short-lived flowers of the earth. His message in Matthew 6 is ultimately that He loves us so much that our every true need will be met, and we can find peace in that by seeking Him first in everything we do.

All I can think here is – wow, God’s love really is so much greater than I make it out to be. I can read and memorize Scripture all I want, I can pray for clear answers until I am blue in the face, but the most intense times that I encounter God’s true nature is in the midst of circumstances I never dreamed I would be in. In those times of the truest kind of surrender, His nature is revealed to be so much more mind-blowing than I ever thought.

C.S Lewis’s Screwtape Letters speaks to the tendencies of mankind to view God from a horrendously limited assumption that “God is exactly who I make Him out to be”. However, uncle Screwtape warns his nephew in letter 4 that when a believer “consciously directs his prayers “Not to what I think Thou art but to what Thou knowest thyself to be” “, that’s when we most closely encounter the Lord as He truly is.

All I want in this life is to be in relationship with the true King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Settling for a smaller ‘god’ of my own making is such a waste of my time and energy when Yahweh Himself is waiting for me to seek Him. In Mark 7:7, Jesus actually warns the people of worship done in vain, as it is more to please man-made law rather than God Himself. There is so much to be lost in vain worship, chasing after a god who only fits the mold of what our mind can comprehend of Him. And there is so much to be gained by chasing after the true God of creation. Here are just some of the things that I’m convinced are so much bigger and better than I think:

His promises. His victory. His eternality. His magnitude. His mercy. His grace. His constancy. His love for me (and you). His Word. His sovereignty. His presence. His names. His sacrifice. His justice. His faithfulness.

These are all things I need to focus on more. At this moment, His love is what’s most highlighted in my life.

Do you believe that I love you?

We’re getting there, Lord. We’re getting there.

~Hal

 

Soundtrack of a Blog

13. Can’t Outrun Your Love by Ellie Holcomb

14. You Love Me Best by Ellie Holcomb

15. 139/ Dead of Night by Leeland

16. Él Nos Ama by Christine D’Clario

I Work for All God’s Children

  By

Never in my life have I considered moving to the Pacific northwest. Not until All God’s Children, that is.

To keep a short story short, I applied for an internship with All God’s Children International in late March, was offered the position in early May, and began at the beginning of June. Just thinking back to how quick that process was gives me whiplash, goodness gracious. To go from discovering AGCI to working for them in Washington state within a couple of months was quite the paradigm shift for me. A lifestyle dedicated to orphan care wasn’t just a far-off dream anymore – it has finally become my reality.

I’d like to share the heart of AGCI and why it led me to pick up and move from one coast to the other.

If you visit allgodschildren.org, the first thing you will be greeted with is this verse:

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…” James 1:27

And if you are acquainted in any way with the scale of the plight of widows, orphans, and the oppressed, that verse alone brings us face to face with a daunting task. (This verse is only one of several hundred that reflect God’s heart to bring justice to the oppressed, by the way.) There are a variety of ways to care for populations in need of justice and care, resulting from the variety of situations that constitute the social group known as orphans. This link will give some background and estimated numbers that may provide context to the magnitude of the global orphan crisis. As it mentions in that link, the major ways to intervene into the cycle of the global orphan crisis are efforts to 1. preserve families whenever possible 2. reunite families whenever possible and 3. expand families through adoption when biological families are unwilling/unable to care for a child.

I’m so proud to work for and advocate for AGCI, an organization that has 5 specific spheres of intervention into the global orphan crisis – including efforts ranging from family stabilization models to adoption to policy change at the highest levels of government. All God’s Children Intl. began as an adoption agency that was (and has always been) dedicated to finding families for children, rather than finding children for families. The heart of AGCI has always been to advocate for children in the way that is best suited for them, which has led to the expansion of our efforts. I can’t stress enough how important it is for orphan care to be pursued in a holistic sense. The pro-life movement that the Church should be known for is one that does not begin with conception and end at birth. If your desire is to be pro-life, let me be one to tell you that God has not called you and I to be simply pro-birth. His heart is for you and I to care for all His children throughout the course of their lives. Regardless of ethnicity, regardless of religion, regardless of social status, regardless of mental or physical status, regardless of politic views – we are called to care for all of God’s children with the same compassionate heart that He has toward them.

Okay, I’ve got that off my chest. And I’ll be completely honest with you, as that is my continual desire for this platform, and tell you that my heart is still fearful and overwhelmed when I am confronted with the thought of being holistically pro-life. As just one 21-year-old girl with only a collective 3 months of lifetime experience in cross-cultural contexts and 3 months of working for AGCI, I am overwhelmed by the need I recognize across the globe. For example, encountering the homeless population in Vancouver and Portland has given me a discouraging sense of helplessness during my time here. How am I supposed to help them? And how am I supposed to help the refugees and immigrants being torn from their families at the border of my home state? How am I supposed to counsel every woman considering abortion that there is hope for life in the midst of her distress? How am I supposed to find families for every child that I receive files for at AGCI?

Here’s the thing – I’m not. God has not placed the entire weight of the oppressed and marginalized peoples in this world upon my shoulders. And the same goes for you, my friend. He has given us seriously powerful tools to fight this fight. One tool is a global network known as the Church – an institution created to be His hands and feet by sharing His heart of service and relentlessly pursuing justice. He’s also given us the Holy Spirit, the indwelling presence of the Lord that is our Life-giving source and keeps us from experiencing debilitating burnout from that relentless pursuit of justice.

It’s not up to one person to save the world and care for every orphan. The biggest reason for this is that there is one God who has already saved the world and already has a plan to care for every orphan. Because orphan care, and especially adoption, is the very picture of the Gospel (summarized in Galatians 4:4-5), it doesn’t surprise me at all that God has called us to be His image-bearers in this way.

We can’t save this world or heal all of the brokenness. Not by ourselves. Rather, we have been called to simply say yes. Yes, I will love all God’s children – because He first loved me, I will show His love by caring for His people. If he places an opportunity in front of me, I want to say yes and follow Him without question.

Now, if I know myself, I know I won’t be able to live up to what He’s asked of me. There are times that fear of the unknown or fear of being overtaken by the enormity of the issue has prevented me from acting, and I don’t doubt those times will come again. But I’ve got to recognize that failure to act doesn’t mean the end. God speaks in those moments of weakness, pointing out the people I didn’t see or didn’t want to see, and He convicts me that they are exactly the people He wants to use me to show love to. With time, I’ll come to realize that there truly is no fear in love. I’ll realize that Christ in me possesses greater strength than I’ll ever have by working in my own strength. And maybe one day I’ll realize that none of this is about me at all, but ultimately about giving glory to the only One who deserves it all.

Reconciliation. Redemption. Adoption. The heart of the Gospel and the heart of orphan care.

How can you say yes?

~Hal

Soundtrack of a Blog

9. Follow You (feat. Brandon Heath) by Leeland

10. All of God’s Children by Jon Foreman

11. I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves

12. For Your Glory by Leeland

Gratitude, Bluebonnets, & Other Important Things

  By

Welcome back. Nice to see you around here again.

Alright let’s deep dive and cut straight to the heart of things. So last week, I reflected on my developing struggle to believe that God is sufficient for me. If that message resonated with you, if you’ve ever felt the suspicion in yourself that your fulfillment comes from earthly things rather than eternal things,

let’s go.

Let’s tackle this lie together and get into what is the truth. Because we know that ultimately God IS enough. It’s just our perception that needs work. For myself, discerning truth from emotions is a serious struggle that largely affects my outlook on my worth, my future, and my hope for things to become better. The same can likely be said for any struggling Christian – that distractions from the truth can lead to warped perceptions of our eternal worth, our eternal promises, and our eternal hope in Christ. It makes sense that lies and distractions are such a common method of spiritual attack. What possible way could Satan possibly deter us away from the unbelievable gospel of grace and redemption other than convincing us of “alternative facts” that trivialize the work of the cross?

God has placed an answer in front of my face that I’d love to be able to tell you all I’ve learned and mastered in this past week, and that this post will teach you exactly what I’ve learned on the other side. Nope. Again, I’ll be open with you and tell you I’ve only taken a couple baby steps on the way to owning this solution.

Part of the solution to dissatisfaction is gratitude. Simple as it may seem, it absolutely requires a lot of research and a lot of prayer. Which is great! Lord knows I need to be more in the Word and more consistently in communication with Him. The reason that gratitude is an effective solution is that it requires knowledge of what God has already done, which means knowledge of truth. And as I’ve just talked about above, acknowledging truth leads to freedom in the present.

Matthew 6:21:

21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

As long as I continue gratifying myself in earthly things, my heart belongs to those things. But I’m not meant to live that kind of life. I’m meant for better things, like what’s mentioned in Colossians 2:6-7:

6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, 7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

A life rooted and built up in Christ and overflowing with thankfulness. Well dang, if that isn’t the road to contentment in God then I don’t know what is.

But for the times when I feel that there’s a gap between the kind of faith in Christ I have now and the kind of faith I long for, there is Biblical proof that I don’t need to be discouraged. Thank God, because I’m pretty sure that’s a feeling that may not ever go away. Not only does Romans 8 make it clear that believers are no longer subject to condemnation (v1), but also in v38-39

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I’m also convinced that being weighed down by lies or by forgetfulness of the goodness of God doesn’t separate us from Him. Again, it just prevents joy in the present. Whether we acknowledge it or not, He is always with us. Psalm 139:1-12 makes it so clear that His presence follows us through every circumstance, from the very best and brightest of days to the days we feel are so dark that the Lord could never enter that space. He has promised to always be there. And so He will be.

Ephesians 1 & 2 are great passages covering the truth of who we are in Christ. They’re pretty long to include here, but they’re so valuable to spend some serious study time in. Some key words to take away from those passages –

Blessed. Chosen. Holy and blameless in His sight. Adopted. Redeemed. Lavished in grace. For His glory. Included in Christ. Marked. Alive. Saved. Raised and seated with Christ. God’s handiwork. Reconciled by the blood. Citizens. Sons. Dwelling places of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 6 speaks of why we have no need to worry, to fear, to doubt God’s provision, or to seek anything else but him. If he clothes the lilies of the field (or bluebonnets for you Texans who know the beauty of those classic bluebonnet fields) in so much beauty and splendor, won’t he much more care for us (oh, us funny people of little faith)? We are told not to worry for anything in our lives, because of the simple fact that He is enough and He has promised to carry us through the whole way. Verse 33:

33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things [our worries and cares] will be given to you as well.

Anxiety, depression, lies from Satan, wrestles with the flesh, and earthly solutions can all distract from God’s sufficiency and faithfulness. It’s so gut-wrenching that we obsess over these earthly things when He has promised us so many times over that we receive eternal fulfillment when we seek Him. Not that fulfillment is the goal, though.

HE is the goal. He is enough.

And I’m praying for the day when my heart knows that as deeply as my head.

~Hal

 

Soundtrack of A Blog (with italicized lyrics of personal significance to me)

5. God is Still Here by JJ Heller

“What if I believed that God would meet me in my trouble and my pain?
And all the truth that’s in my head would move down to my heart and then
I shall not want for anything and finally be at peace again.”

“What if all my life I wrestle with my worry and anxiety?
What if the thorn deep in my side is only there to help me see
That though I never ask for it, the desert is God’s gift to me?”

6. Nothing Stands Between Us by John Mark McMillan

“Have I tried to scale Your walls in vain?
To cross Your seas, I pushed against Your waves
What for all the miles have You to say?
Were You there beside me this whole way?”

“You always find me
In between the thunder and the lightning”

7. If… by Beautiful Eulogy

“What’s concealed in the heart of having
Is revealed in the losing of things.”

“I will praise your name in the giving and taking away,
If I have you I could lose everything and still consider it gain”

8. Moving Forward by Colony House

(The whole song, to be honest. This song is my life mantra)

Not in Uganda, But Still in the Wilderness

  By

Hello there. It’s been a while. Bet you forgot you were subscribed to this blog 🙂

(And to those of you who are seeing this blog for the first time, the previous posts on this blog cover my  2015 summer-long internship in northern Uganda. Definitely feel free to read them if you’d like, I won’t be deleting them. But this blog is going to become something different – not entirely new, but not so much having to do with the beautiful country that is Uganda.)

I’m not intending, or even wanting, to gain some kind of following through this blog. Really, my only intention here is to have somewhat of a truer connection with the people back in TX or VA (or wherever) who care to know what the heck is going on with my life up in the Pacific Northwest! I can’t FaceTime all of you every day, but I think this may be the best alternative to provide a deeper and comprehensive picture on the journey God has me on at the moment.

Because wow – has He thrown me for a loop. A crazy, jagged loop that spans the entire United States. I almost feel as if I could be a storybook character who was suddenly plucked out of the middle of her own story and physically casted away further than the reaches of her main story. If that makes sense at all, it’s really to say that I’m occasionally quite confused at why my current location is thousands of miles away from the people I know well and love so dearly.

Lynchburg, Virginia to Greenville, Texas to Vancouver, Washington.

Within a matter of two weeks, I called those three places home – the last of which I am still struggling to accept. Though it’s been two months since I arrived here, I’m still wrestling with God just about every day as to why I’m here. My job, which I’ll expand on some other day, is an incredible blessing to get to do right away after graduation. However, I can’t help but think there’s likely a multitude of similar opportunities significantly nearer to Lynchburg or Greenville. God brought me here for a reason – He must have – but to be quite transparent, I am not sure what that reason is. At least not yet. And that’s the struggle – finding peace in the unknown, in the waiting, in the solitude.

Buckle up for some real talk right here –

The heart of my struggle here is that I’m not satisfied in God alone. He brought me into this wilderness – an unfamiliar culture (Portland jeesh) in an unfamiliar side of this freaking wide country of ours – and has asked me a very poignant question.

“Am I sufficient for you?”

I heard a song today with these lyrics:

If all I have is You, I’m okay. If all I have is You, I’m just fine.

How many times have I sung along to worship songs along those same lines – of God being enough for me? My spirit’s very deepest desire is to say that God is enough for me. But I’ve got to be honest with myself, with you, and with Him, and say that I’m not yet satisfied in God alone. Again, it is my very deepest desire for that to become true. A closer reflection of my heart today is the bridge of a song I’ve quoted here on this blog before:

Let the things of Earth be swept away. Draw me close till only You remain.

God is humbling me by asking me to admit I’m not where we’d both like me to be. I’m not going to pretend my Christ-centered upbringing and my Bachelor’s degree from Liberty University has perfected my walk with Christ. As ever, it continues to be a fairly turbulent experience. However, He’s done a lot in me since my time at Village of Hope, all meant to equip me with strength and confidence to face every mountain. Whether it be a mountain of fear, a mountain of doubt, or a mountain of pride, He stands by my side and asks me to let Him take me by the hand and guide me along His intended path. I trust He knows what He is doing, and I trust that He is good. The only trouble is that I can’t see where we’re going or why it had to happen this way.

It’s possible that you, lovely reader, have experienced this as well. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have wisdom to share, questions to ask, or any comments at all. I want to know you as well as you’ll get to know me here.

This post is one of just flat-out unreserved openness about the current struggle. More deep diving into the beauty that’s coming out of it will come in later posts. As the indwelling Spirit chips away at my rough edges every day, I’ll update you all with what I’m learning along the way.

I’ll leave you with something relevant for the both of us.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as your trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13]

 

~Hal

 

ALSO (ha you thought I was done)

If you know me, Haley Nicole Whitaker™, you probably won’t find this next part surprising at all. I want to start adding song recommendations at the end of every post that reflect my current experience. Music is absolutely one of the strongest ways to convey experiences without me physically being there with you.

So don’t worry, I have great taste in music y’all.

  1. Weak Man by Leeland
  2. In the Whisper by Christy Nockels
  3. Remembrance by Hillsong Worship
  4. All I Want by Red Rocks Worship

Broken Vessels

  By

Wow, okay. Words are kind of difficult for me right now. I’m sitting in my hut back in Bweyale, trying to think of how to express what I’m feeling right now.

I said goodbye to those in Bobi this morning, which was difficult enough. Now, things are only getting worse. Coming back to Bweyale almost felt like coming home. So many familiar faces, so many beautiful memories here – and I have to say goodbye so soon. Fortunately, some good memories were made even since I’ve arrived. I introduced a new song to a few of the girls today, took a few funny videos of us hanging out, and attended my last fellowship meeting. Also, I had some time with my friends Joyce and Janet this evening, where they prayed over me. When they were finished, I asked if I could pray over them as well, and I got about as far as “Dear Lord” and then started to cry as I spoke. The two girls, a couple of my very closest friends here, comforted me and spent some time with me until they had to go.

Ugh, this is just way too hard. Goodbye’s are hard enough. Saying goodbye to 400 of the most beautiful people you’ve ever met is a bit difficult.

(Family, be prepared because when I get home, I’m probably going to be a jet-lagged, emotional wreck)

But this is another one of those times where the specific situation I’m finding myself in makes certain lyrics seem absolutely perfect in regards to what I’m feeling. In this case, my inspiration comes from Hillsong Worship’s song called Broken Vessels (hence the title). These words are simple but poignant, and they’re accurate to what’s in my head right now.

Oh I can see it now.

I can see the love in Your eyes.

Laying Yourself down,

Raising up the broken to life.

 

Yes, I can see it so clearly now – the incredible and compassionate love that God has for His children. He gave up Himself, the ultimate act of love and humility, so that we could all be brought back into the light. I see the beauty that can come from humanity. As broken as we are in some ways, God has restored us in other ways to bring joy and goodness into the world. When I look at the young men and women here that worship with complete abandon, love so fiercely, and live out the humility and grace that Christ displayed for us, I see a glimpse of the love He has for them through His eyes.

IMG_8118

 

 

 

 

 

I’m going to miss living here. God has used this place to change me in so many ways, and I’m honestly a little bit afraid of going home and slipping back into my old lifestyle. Life lessons can sometimes be forgotten when you return to an environment where you are the only person who has experienced any of it. So right now, I’m praying that He will give me the strength to live out the things I’ve become aware of here, and keep old habits from taking over. I don’t want to shrug off the problems I know I will see back home just because everyone else sees certain things as the norm. I need to prepare myself for American culture, and be able to stand firm in the face of things that might tempt me to forget what I’ve learned here.

So yeah.

We leave for Entebbe at 9:30 tomorrow morning! Wish us luck and please be praying that we have a smooth journey!

hEY MOM! DAD! ASHLEY! BRANDON! I’LL SEE YOU IN TWO DAYS!!

{Haley}

Heartbreak Hotel

  By

Yes, I’m sitting in a hotel room at the moment, and yes, it’s breaking my heart. (But it’s because I have WIFI and HOT SHOWERS!! AHH)

Donna and I are staying in Gulu for a night or two, and so now I’m sitting here and listening to Patsy Cline and Elvis Presley (thus the inspiration for today’s post title). We took this little excursion to do some business in town, as well as to just explore Gulu and possibly get souvenirs or things for the villages or whatever we find! So today, I’ve had veggie pizza and ice cream, and I took a boda ride through town, which was so awesome and reminded me of how cool getting my motorcycle license would be! (Btw boda’s are basically like taxi motorcycles and they’re very common throughout Uganda)

But even without all the fun things today held, things have been going really great since my last post! Thank you for your prayers and your support 🙂 My homesickness is much less than it was before, and I’m feeling much more comfortable in Bobi village. It’s too bad I leave on Tuesday, because I’ve loved getting to know these kids. Each one is so unique and fun in their own way. They even put up with my weird mzungu behavior and actually seem to like to listen to me “play” the guitar. I say “play” because I have no idea what I’m doing; I’m just teaching myself by ear. Anyway, they’re pretty awesome kids, and all you sponsors out there are so lucky to be connected with them! Even though I miss home so much and am ready to see my family again, I know that leaving these kids will be very hard for me. So many of them are not just “the VOH kids” to me – they’re my friends. And I love them, and will miss them like crazy when I go.

I’m going to miss so much. I’m going to miss the insane rainstorms, the starry nights, the little nursery kids that can’t wait to offer their hand to be held, the free-spirited worship, the attempts to teach me the Acholi language, the stubbornness of Ugandan teenagers who insist that you help them dance or cook or play sports, the Saturday night movies with the kids, the times we try to speak Spanish to each other, playing netball in the field, holding the guitar just right so 4 other kids can strum along with me, and SO much more. I’m so glad that I got to spend my summer doing those things, rather than sitting on the couch and being bored. The lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) will be tremendously helpful to me when I enter college next month, and probably will helpful to me for the rest of my life. Woo yea! Praise God for His perfect plan and His amazing creation!

 

{Haley}

 

The Final Stretch

  By

From what I’ve experienced of track competitions throughout my schooling (Bailey stop laughing), I know that the last stretch of a race is the most crucial part, as well as the time where you push through with everything you have until you cross the finish line. Now that I’ve entered my final stretch, I’m finding the days a little bit difficult to get through. I think that because I’m close to the end, I’m getting so excited about seeing my family and friends again that the homesickness has really been setting in. I’ve never been out of the country for more than two weeks at a time, or even been away from my parents for more than two weeks at a time. As I come into the last week or so of my time in Uganda, I want to really appreciate everything that I am seeing and doing, but it gets hard when the only way to see my mother’s face is to watch a video I have of her on my phone over and over. It’s of her being silly and dancing in the kitchen, just being herself. It makes me laugh when I watch it, but I get so sad afterwards when I think about the distance between us. Sometimes ten days seems like forever.
So I’ve been spending a lot of time praying lately. I’ve been asking God to protect my mind against attacks that might make me discouraged about all of this. I’ve been asking for energy and genuine enthusiasm about everything that I am doing here. I’m asking that I will remember all day of every day to take this time as an opportunity to allow myself to be shaped and molded into a faithful servant of Christ who can completely trust Him to control every aspect of my life.
I want to live out the lines of the songs that I sing at church. One song in particular has been my mantra for this entire trip. The song itself is beautiful, but the lyrics are so so powerful, especially when I’m in the midst of a situation that calls for this kind of faith.

Overwhelm Me (sung by Riley Erin)

 

Lead me further into You, into the unknown.
Far beyond what I now see, that’s where I want to go.
I abandon everything, as deep calls out to deep.

 

I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You
Overwhelm me
I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You
Overwhelm me.
Take me higher
Take me deeper
Seeing Your glory, hearing Your whisper.
And I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You.

 

Show Your beauty, show Your strength in this holy place.
Let it be like gravity that I can’t escape
Till my life has been transformed, and my heart is one with Yours.

 

I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You
Overwhelm me
I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You
Overwhelm me.
Take me higher
Take me deeper
Seeing Your glory, hearing Your whisper.
And I want to be lost, I want to be lost in You.

 

Let the things of earth be swept away.
Draw me close till only You remain.
Oh let the things of earth be swept away.
Draw me close till only You remain.

Singing about total surrender is easy. Living it out is much harder. My prayers to the Lord can be basically summed up through these lyrics. Maybe some might speak to you as well.
This song is beautifully written. The words strike deep chords within me, and they challenge me to really live like that. Especially the second verse and the bridge, just UGH. WOW. Seriously, sometimes I think certain songs were written for my specific situation.

My biggest encouragement is that even in my times of weakness, God won’t turn away from my or resent me for my failures. In these times, He is just as loving as ever. His love isn’t threatened by my broken pieces. We can all rest in the fact that unconditional love is just that – unconditional. Even when I’m thousands of miles from home, I have a constant anchor that can give me those little pushes from behind to finish with joy and full enthusiasm.

{Haley}

Bobi village!

  By

We all arrived Saturday, as planned, and spent the weekend doing games and bible studies led by the Bay Life team! Sadly, they left on Monday (and hey if any of y’all are reading this – HI!! I hope the journey home was smooth! and btw thanks so much for leaving behind the parachute, the kids are obsessed with playing with it), so now it’s a bit quieter here. 🙂
The transition from village to village was an interesting one, I have to say. It’s a different dynamic here, partly because of the physical layout and partly because of the age range of the kids. Physically, Bobi village is a lot more spread out than Bweyale’s layout. Seriously, after playing with the kids for a couple afternoons, I’m already developing a tan. Whoops. (Mom, I promise I’m wearing sunscreen.) In regards to the age range, this village is made up of the primary school kids, who require a lot more energy when playing and hanging out. This is probably a good thing, since I did a lot of non-laborious work inside for the last month! Overall, the vibe here is different from Bweyale. I guess since Bweyale is kind of the home base, there’s more going on there – more projects, more people, more access to resources, etc. Things are just simpler here, as it’s newer and not as developed yet. But that’s totally cool, being here has been really nice so far (except for almost nonexistent internet connection).
I miss my Bweyale friends SO SO much. I’ll swing by for one day at the very end of my trip, so that’s a good encouragement for me! As hard as it was to leave them, it’s good to know I’ll see them soon. Also, seeing friends I knew from last year who now are in Bobi is really great. 🙂 So far, meeting new kids has been going well (as long as you have a parachute or kites or a ball, you become their favorite person ever). Hopefully, these next couple of weeks will be a really nice ending for this journey, full of new friends and happy memories. My prayers right now is that I find a good rhythm here and can feel at ease to be myself with the kids and staff.
Some cool things have been in the workings even since I’ve arrived! A few days ago, the kids received their sponsors’ letters and dress shoes. Today, we had clothes distribution and the kids wrote letters back to their sponsors. And tomorrow is PTA day, so all of the guardians and parents will come out to meet with teachers and do different things around the campus! So much is happening, and it’s very cool to be a part of all of it!
Internet is pretty sketchy out here, so posts will probably be less often. But that’s okay. I’ve been blessed to have as much connection as I’ve had, so I can deal with a couple of weeks with having a little less than before.
Until next time! (but honestly who knows when that will be)
{Haley}

Heavenly lights

  By

{ Wow I totally thought that I posted this over a week ago, but apparently not so here you go! }

 

One thing that I know I’ll miss when I go back to the States – and this may sound strange – is the night sky. I know it’s weird to post about the sky, but seriously, the night sky is absolutely astounding here. Not only can you see the Milky Way, tons of stars, satellites, and the occasional shooting star, but lightning in the distance can light up half the sky even when you can’t see any clouds.
A verse from James refers to God as the “Father of heavenly lights”. That term came to the forefront of my mind tonight as I looked up at the sky. With the brightly twinkling stars, the distant lightning, the hazy and mysterious glow of the Milky Way, God’s hand is so obvious. He truly is the Father of heavenly lights, and I’m not ashamed to say it brought me to tears tonight, staring upwards and getting a clearer glimpse of His awesome power, His gorgeous craftsmanship, and His infinite glory and wonder.
To some, these words may seem hokey and a little cliche. But truly, it’s impossible to put down words that accurately describe the powerful effect of the sky here. Everything is just so clear. Even the moon seems to have more detail. Every night, I’m struck by the beauty of the sky in a slightly different way. Seriously, our God is a God of devastatingly spectacular things, and there’s no one I’d rather dedicate my life to.
Short post, I know, but I feel that it’s important to share the lesser known wonders of God’s hand here in the heart of Africa.

{Haley}

 

Moving on

  By

Today was my last full day in Bweyale. Really weird to think about, since it’s been my home for four weeks now. Tomorrow morning around 8, the Bay Life team, the Douds, Donna, and I will all be traveling to the village in Bobi where all the primary school kids are!

I’m super excited to see those kids, especially a couple of them who I befriended last summer! But also, I’m very sad to leave the home I have here. It’s not goodbye forever, since I’ll be staying here one more night on the 28th, but it’s still pretty hard. The kids have all been so wonderful to me, and I’ve got a few really amazing letters from some of them that I’m sure I’ll keep forever. I gotten really close with a few girls, and it doesn’t make me feel any better about leaving when one girl writes/sings for you a “farewell song” that’s so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m so grateful to have met them, and I’m SO SO glad that tomorrow is not my last time to see them! My memories here have been incredible, and the majority of that is because of the amazing way these kids have let me into their lives. It’s absolutely a privilege to experience life with them.

Bah, I’m done being sad (for now). Instead of worrying about the future, here are some nice things that have happened here in the past week or so!

Patience gives her opening statement during an inter-class debate over whether or not money is the root of all evil.

Patience gives her opening statement during an inter-class debate over whether or not money is the root of all evil.

My little friend Stephanie watches the older students perform the traditional dances to welcome Bay Life

My little friend Stephanie watches the older students perform the traditional dances to welcome Bay Life

All the kids gathered to other day to receive letters from sponsors as well as new dress shoes for school!

All the kids gathered to other day to receive letters from sponsors as well as new dress shoes for school!

Living here is pretty cool.

{Haley}

HALF WAY

  By

Today is exactly half way through this amazing journey!! In light of this historic event, I want to take some time to give some quick messages to some important people.

To Brandon – Dude I really miss you. I know you’re not really one for super amounts of sisterly affection, but I just wanna put this out there. You probably make me laugh more than anyone else I know. You’re hysterical, and I really miss joking with you. Also, you’re extremely intelligent and amazingly talented in music and you should know I admire you for both of those things so much! I know we don’t agree with each other all the time, but I love you and appreciate your enthusiasm about important topics. You’re an awesome dude (and awesome is my favorite word so you know I’m pretty serious). I’m so sorry we haven’t had much time together in a while, even in the past year, and I feel sad that I’m moving across the country in a couple of months and we’ll see each other even less. So, get ready for lots of fun adventures and bonding time when I get home!! :)))) PS the kids loved the screenshots of you and the goldfish

To my fellow INFJ – I miss you SO much, too. I hope your internship is going great! I mean, you got to work FADC so it’s not like it’s torture or anything. 🙂 But I also wanted to take some time to tell you some things. You’re amazing. You’ve become a real role model for me, especially with how you’ve handled some things in the past year. Except for when you tell me you don’t like Nutella. That’s unacceptable. But besides that, you’re just an amazing person who is a huge dork and super musically talented as well. You’re gonna be a famous worship leader someday, I just know it. I love you and I’m also sad that we won’t see each other very much (but I’m pretty sure LU is closer to TNU than home, right??), so we’re also gonna have some awesome adventures before the summer ends. Also, I’m gonna bombard you with every single college-related question known to man. PS since we’re sharing a room for the summer, we totally have to take advantage of that – movie nights, all-nighters, etc.

SEE YOU BOTH THIS MONTH!!

{Haley}

The beautiful people of VOH

  By

Again, thank you all so much for keeping up with this blog, I’m so very grateful for all of you!
And speaking of amazing people, I just felt the need to make a post about the wonderful people I’ve been working with for the past three weeks. From the staff (pastors, teachers, cooks, counselors, house moms/aunties, etc) to the students (both secondary and vocational school), this place is absolutely full of amazing people who are dedicating their life’s work to the Lord.
Most of you don’t see this work happening. Even here, I’m only seeing a fraction of what actually goes on. There are hundreds of people living in this compound, and you can bet that every single one is encountering God in a different way each day. The part of this that I do see, though, is a blessing to watch.
I see nurse Kevin dedicating her whole day to these kids and their health, only to use part of her little free time to meet me for computer training classes so that she can become more technologically proficient. I see Pastor Charles giving up part of his freedom and using the library as a temporary office so that the library can stay open and the kids can enjoy the books they love so much. I see the counselor Jacob earnestly teaching these kids about stress management, making sure that they stay emotionally and mentally healthy during this busy time in their lives. I see Luke and Scovia somehow manage 30 small children, teaching them for hours every day even though they scream and fight and play nonstop. That’s true dedication right there. That’s only five staff members out of about fifty.
I see Lucy writing lyric after lyric in her notebook, singing the same song over and over and over until she knows it by heart, increasing her knowledge of worship songs so that she can lift them up to God. I see Flavia leading the children in worship and prayer with a fiery passion, I hear her beautiful words and feel the atmosphere in the room change as she invites the other kids to enter into the same kind of worship. I see Jacob, the head boy who can smoothly organize and lead a crazy trip to athletic competition with 60 kids to a city an hour away, so that these kids can feel true accomplishment and connection with the world around them. Again, only three students out of about 200. Three students that may change the world someday.
These people are truly amazing. I love to watch them do their thing, because they all have it down so perfectly and it really makes life so much better for everyone else. Culturally, society here is very community-based, and so everyone relies on each other to get through daily life. There is such a wonderful system they have going on, and it continues to work because each and every person is being led by the Lord. On Sundays, it’s so obvious that their life revolves around the Spirit’s guidance. Life is so different here, but, like I’ve said before, so good. When a group of people allow themselves to be led by God, awesome things can happen.

{Haley}

 

Kiryandongo

  By

{ If you were wondering, the title of the last post is Acholi for “Good afternoon” and is pronounced something like “eeree (flipped r) mahbeh” }

So yesterday was super fun! The athletic competition (basically a track meet) was held in Kiryandongo, about an hour’s drive away. Last week’s competition was just within VOH secondary school to choose which students would compete in certain competitions. At the meet, I honestly have no idea how many schools were there. There were hundreds of people, both athletes and spectators, all on the field at the same time, so it was pretty exciting. I’m pretty sure all of those people took their turn looking at me like I had two heads, though. I was one of three mzungu’s there, so I can understand. I had some nice conversations with strangers that approached me and talked to me like we were old friends! One girl did ask me if I knew Nicki Minaj. Sadly, I do not.
Anyway, our athletes did pretty well, and we had a few kids place! I think today is the final rounds of competition, or something like that, and I think a couple kids moved onto that. I didn’t get to stay the whole time yesterday however, since we needed to start taking vans back in separate trips. I was on the first van, but we still didn’t even get back to VOH until after dark. I haven’t been able to ask how the rest of the competitions went, but I did hear the screams and yells of the other vans full of kids pull into the compound late into the night. What I love so much about these kids is that they’ll yell and yell after their competitions no matter how well they did, they all just have a great spirit of victory when they return. And they should! The day was long and hot and very tiring. But fun, also.
Let’s see how much media my internet connection will let me get in here~

Athletes in some track competition, not sure which

Athletes in some track competition, not sure which

Flavia taking selfies, me photobombing :)

Flavia taking selfies, me photobombing 🙂

Me, Diana, and Flavia (Diana figuring out how the camera works)

Me, Diana, and Flavia (Diana figuring out how the camera works)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taken out of the van window on the way back

Taken out of the van window on the way back

Dangit, wordpress won’t let me imbed the video of Gloria’s discus throw. 🙁 Sorry about that.

{Haley}

Iri maber!

  By

Things are going well here! Rose arrived here two nights ago and we’ve talked with her a bit about her experiences in America! It’s interesting to hear her talk about the culture shock in America, when I’ve just experienced the complete opposite. It’s very nice to be adjusted now.
Life here is so different but so good. The pace is slower and more relaxed, the kids are ready to sing and dance at all hours of the day, and nature is everywhere you go. Seriously, there’s no place to escape from the wildlife here. You just gotta embrace the constant presence of mosquitos, flies, and lizards.
Really, I think the most challenging thing I have on my schedule is helping out in the nursery. Like I’ve said before, the kids are so so cute but also extremely prone to hitting each other at all times. If I bend down to give one a piggy-back ride, at least five others jump on top of them attempting to do the same. My shoe literally broke because so many of them were walking within inches of me that someone tripped and ripped my shoe. It’s totally fine, and I fixed the shoe easily, but they all want my attention at the same time! And when they start learning a lesson, things slow down by 10x because someone starting fighting and someone else is crying and someone else is running outside and someone else is grabbing chalk to draw on the board and someone else is falling from their chair and someone else laughing at me for no reason (that would be Steward, the jokester who thinks he’s so cool). In the moment, it’s absolutely crazy and I can’t believe Scovia is able to handle them like this every day! But in retrospect, the kids are good kids and they’re a heck of a lot of fun to be around. It just wears me out to be with them for the first half of my day!
I also think it’s funny that little Steven, the same one who bit my hand when I was walking him home last year, won’t let go of me and is always sitting right beside me. He’s adorable, but I’m always so paranoid he’s about to bite me again! So far, so good.

Sorry about the lack of pictures, I’ve been trying to leave all my technology in my hut so it doesn’t distract everyone or bring too much attention to me. I guess having pictures to post requires actually using the camera when things are actually happening~~ But I think that tomorrow will give many chances to get good pictures!
Tomorrow is the kids’ athletic competition in Kiryandongo, and have some friends competing so I’m tagging along! That’ll be an adventure! And I’ll make sure to get lots of photos 🙂

{Haley}

Sinking In

  By

We’re about to hit the two-week mark in this journey, and it’s finally starting to sink in that this is my life. And it will be for a while. It probably sounds crazy, but honestly, sometimes living here just feels like a very long dream. Now that my brain is finally realizing the extent of this trip, it doesn’t feel like that so much. But there are definitely still times that I look around me, wide-eyed and in awe of where I am.
I’m in Africa!(??) Seriously, sometimes I forget that. The distance between me and home is so unfathomable to me that it’s difficult think about how far away I am. But now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to adjust, I think I’m starting to sink into my life here as well. My mind is starting to comprehend where I am and what I’m doing, and now I’m finally accepting what’s going on. What I now know as a normal day is one that consists of computer classes, beans and posho, beautiful African children, many “Apwoyo!”’s, freak rainstorms, scurrying lizards, and bucket showers. I think that’s a good description of what my life is right now. On the surface, at least ~
These past two weeks have brought a wide range of emotions. Praise the Lord that He is able to deal with all of them, because I definitely can’t. He’s my go-to man. As He should be 🙂 It really shouldn’t take trips around the world to re-train me to keep Christ as my focus. That should be something that I desire naturally, but I think the way I tend to live is one that only calls out to God when things are going very wrong. I am so appreciative that I have this opportunity to become aware of my constant need for Him in my life.
Here’s what I’m thinking (this may turn rant-y, sorry) – America is the land of opportunity, full of people chasing after the “American Dream”. And really, what sounds better than a great-paying career, a great family, a great house, and constant access to everything you could ever need and more? Unfortunately, this wonderful-sounding lifestyle is one that is extremely vulnerable to a subconscious satisfaction with self-sufficiency. We become so content with what we have done with our lives that God is nowhere in the equation. We take credit for our successes, look to the internet for information we are searching for, and look inside ourselves for answers to our problems. And we don’t question this system – because it’s nice. It’s comfortable. It’s the life that I get trapped in so very often. Believe me, I’m not saying I don’t fall prey to this system. Even here, I miss the simplicity of that lifestyle. I think it’s because this one is so different, and it’s hard for me to give over the reigns when I’ve gripped them so tightly for so long. There are moments at home when I’m more aware of this, and I have given over the reigns to Him for a while. But then I fall back into the system not too long after. Here, it’s a constant battle. In everything I do, the self-sufficient part of me fails to satisfy, and that’s when God makes Himself obvious to me and asks me to hand everything over to Him.
He is the Artist that created galaxies and bumblebees and the the tide from the moon, things so amazing and so impossible for us to ever create. He can handle my problems. I feel afraid when I face my situation through human eyes, but when I view it through heaven’s eyes, I feel good. Like really good. You know, that feeling of true peace that only comes from Him.
Sometimes I feel like two months is more than I can handle. Then I think that until July 30th, I know my whole life will be built on complete trust and faith in what He is doing. I am so grateful that He’s giving me this chance to get re-tuned into Him before I go to college and my life will be the craziest it has ever been.
He’s so smart that way.

“Let us look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:2

Let me only look to Him, the perfect One who created me and helps me to develop my faith in such amazing ways.

{Haley}

Oh Monday

  By

Monday is a slow day no matter where in the world you are, I guess.

On the upside, all the time I’m spending in the library is giving me a lot of time to read, which is nice 🙂

So since today was kind of slow, here’s some pictures from over the past few days!

Some kids competing in the interclass athletic competition yesterday!

Some kids competing in the interclass athletic competition yesterday!

Steward being Steward.

Steward being Steward.

Kids dancing in the church

Kids dancing in the church

Long post to come tomorrow, I think 🙂

{Haley}

Lend me your ears

  By

 

Welcome back, friends. Romans. Countrymen.

Once again, things are going pretty great here! The longer I’m here, the better I feel about the situation. There are still times I miss American things, like my family, friends, food, etc. Usually these times happen when I’m relaxing in my hut. But I’ve found that every time I go outside to find kids to talk to, I feel so much better and I miss everything a little bit less. So I’m trying to motivate myself to get out as much as possible to hang out with the students.

Tanga, the resident dog, blocking the view from inside my hut.

Tanga, the resident dog, blocking the view from inside my hut.

Three weeks seems like a long time to me when simply stated, but since an opportunity like this may not happen again, three weeks doesn’t seem like that much time to get to know everyone here as best I can. That’s my prayer now, that I can be open to take every chance I can get to find my niche and familiarize myself with the beautiful Acholi people here.

I definitely am learning to overcome some of my introverted tendencies, so I guess that’s good. 🙂 Most of my interactions here are introductions with new faces, which would normally be very daunting for me. It’s not so bad here, though, since these kids are so sweet and laid-back. Some of them have even started to help me with my Acholi, knowing that my vocabulary was previously limited to “hello” and “good morning”. Now, I have a couple of pages full of words and phrases, thanks to Janet, Steven, and Flavia!

I’ve been overseas for a little over a week now, but somehow it feels like forever since I’ve hugged my family. God has given me comfort, though. He put me in a place full of wonderful people who make me feel cared for. He’s given me ways to keep in touch with people back home. It’s such a weird feeling to think that this will last for over a month. I’ve never been by myself overseas, let alone been by myself for more than two weeks. I know I’m not really by myself, but for a person like me who needs good, old friends by their side, it takes time to get used to living with only new friends. If any of you followed my friend Lizzy King’s blog posts while she was here, she said something in one post that really resonates with me. She said that missional living is not romantic – it’s not easy, it’s not safe, it’s not something that American life really prepares you for. It gets uncomfortable, it challenges you, it makes you see the world in a brand new light, and it reminds you of what is most important in life. I feel truly blessed to be in a place like VOH, where I have electricity, three meals a day, and access to clean water. There are many places, some even right outside this compound, that aren’t so privileged. I have no idea how I’ll react to American culture once July 30th comes around, if things like this have been made so obviously to me after only one week.

These challenges I’m facing are, in my opinion, some of the most important kind that a person can face. At some point in every person’s life, I think some time should be taken to leave behind American culture to experience a new way of living. We get so caught up in the way we live, and we’re kind of blind to the fact that most places around the world are nothing like that. In high school, we all joked that we were trapped inside the “Lovejoy bubble”, a community of rich white kids that knew nothing about the world. Especially where I’m from in Texas, I think we can all say we live in the “North Texas bubble”. Home is just about the safest place you can be, but it’s also the most dangerous. The danger comes from being too comfortable to ever leave it behind, to walk out the front gates and into the world around you. It’s an amazing place, and I want to encourage you to go out and see it sometime.

{Haley}

One week in!

  By

Things are great here in Uganda! Honestly, things couldn’t be better. I have yet to see a snake, so praise the Lord for that. I have internet connection and can talk with my family on a daily basis. I switched my meds so now I am safe from malaria and have a stable grip on my emotions. 🙂 However, I am a mosquito magnet, so I could definitely do without that. But, it comes with the territory (literally).
Janelle is just about done putting together my schedule for the next few weeks, which includes leading touch-typing classes for students and staff, helping in the nursery, attending classes in the secondary school, sitting in on group counseling sessions, acting as a sort of librarian, and going to choir practice. I definitely have a plenty of activities to do for a while. Additionally, the tentative plan we have now includes me traveling with the Baylife team to Bobi, which is sometime around the 11th I think. So I have about 3&1/2 weeks to do as much as I can here!
We’ve finally figured out a good setup for me to have internet, so at least while I’m in Bweyale, I should be able to post when needed. After I move on, though, I may not have that much luck.
I think I’m really starting to get comfortable with the lifestyle here. I want to be with everyone at home and I’m desperately missing Chick-fil-A right now, but I think I can hold out until I come back. I’m finding a good groove, the students seem to like me, and God is really guiding me to fit into the way things work here. He is so present here. In everything that people do, they rely on God and always give the glory to Him, knowing that everything VOH has been blessed with are gifts from Him.

Pictures to come soon~~

{Haley}

Adventures in Mefloquine

  By

Hello again! I hope you guys are all doing well! What a day I’ve had – even though I feel like I say that basically every day. Today has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, but I think I’ve identified a probable cause for it. Apparently my anti-malaria medication can have some crazy side effects for some people. My vivid/strange dreams over the past few days on top of my random mood swings lead me to believe I am one of those people.
Case in point: This morning I had a mini freakout over the thought of being here so long. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d bitten off more than I could chew, and spent some time in my hut having a small panic attack.
HOWEVER, by the end of the day (now), I feel absolutely awesome and I can’t wait to experience everything in store for me during my stay! Praise the Lord for the upward mood swings because they are really great. I think my good mood is also coming from the fact that I had a super fun afternoon with some of the kids. One girl, Diana, saw me reading a book Janelle had given me about Ugandan culture. Ironically, in Ugandan culture, sitting by yourself is seen as a sign you are lonely, so she invited me to join her and some others in their practice for a performance tomorrow. They helped me learn a few songs all about how God is good and He never leaves us alone. I made some new friends and probably looked very dumb trying to dance along with them, but that’s okay. If I came all this way, why shouldn’t I take part in everything I can?
I think on Friday or Saturday, I’ll be spending the night in the home called Love, since the girls have invited me to stay sometime. They are so sweet and are really helping me to feel welcome here! It makes me so happy to have such good friends so soon into the trip.
Also, today I got a chance to teach in the nursery, the class for the 4-5 year old kids! Some of them claimed to remember me, but I have no idea if that’s true at all. I taught about 10 of them by myself for an hour or two, which was an interesting challenge! They are so adorable, but they also have endless energy and love to fight each other. Now, I’m constantly seeing a couple of them peeking around corners to spy on me wherever I am. Oh man, they are so funny.
But I’m very glad the day ended up being so good because it really reinvigorated me to keep going with a clear mind and open heart. God is good, even when my meds take me for a loop.
{Haley}

Finally here!!

  By

It’s Sunday evening here, so things are pretty slow moving right now. But that’s good because I can take some time to write out a new post!
Wow. Okay. We arrived in the Bweyale village around 5 or 6 pm yesterday, where most of the kids lined the road to greet us! They welcomed us back with a few traditional dances (which are awesome, you really need to check out Acholi dances sometime) and a lot of singing. Everything is just as I remember it from last year, except for the absence of a lot more mzungu’s coming along with me. I spent some time unpacking, and I even got to FaceTime with my family a little bit, which was awesome and really needed on my part. I slept okay after that, and then got up this morning in time to go to church (which is held a couple hundred feet from my hut so that’s nice). They introduced me in the service, there was more dancing and singing, and we also heard from the pastor about God’s protection over the righteous and the faithful. Afterwards, I tagged along with a few of the girls who live in the house called Love and they showed me around the girls’ houses. We visited the vocational classrooms and eventually settled by the field to talk and play a little bit of basketball (I know, me and sports??? what???). Basically, I got to spend most of the day with these girls, who were so kind and inviting. Since the two villages are now separated between primary school and secondary school/vocational school, most of the kids I’ve met are around 16-18. The rest are a few kindergarten age kids that look at me every once in a while and wonder why my face is so white and weird. They’re adorable, but their limited English makes them a little confused as to how to treat me. A few of them I remember from last year when I time with them in their nursery school, but they were all too young to remember that. I might ask to help out in the nursery again just to get familiar with them again, and also because they’re so dang cute and funny 🙂
The day itself has been pretty chill, but my mind has really been on a rollercoaster for a while. My mind has definitely been put at ease now that I’m here. Some of my fears I had while in the city are gone, but I’m still going back and forth from completely content/grateful to worried I can’t handle the distance. By distance, I mean the physical distance from everyone I know well and miss so very much, as well as the mental distance from everyone here. I know that if after one day, I’ve made this much progress with getting to know the kids, that mental distance will shrink after a while. But for now, I’m still getting acclimated to the culture and the lifestyle. God is really showing me His hand in all of this, though. What I love so much about Him is that He continually teaches me the same lesson until it’s engrained in me. For the past three summers, all of my overseas trips have challenged me in completely unexpected ways. Each time, God has laid out in front of me exactly what I’ve been doing to subconsciously push Him out of certain areas of my life. Every time I get comfortable in my cushy American lifestyle, He reminds me how much I take for granted and how I’m extremely blessed with everything I have. On trips like these, I see that my life is made for more than I would plan for myself. How could I ever go back to living the way I did after experiencing something like this? Well, it’s happened multiple times now over the past few years, but each of these trips has gotten increasingly more challenging, like God is making me aware He’s conditioning me for more and more extreme situations. I am definitely grateful that He is leading me through this, because it’ll keep me accountable in my spiritual walk throughout the whole thing. Prayers for my willingness to follow wherever He leads, be it familiar or foreign territory, would be most beneficial now.
Thanks for reading this, I know it’s not super short or anything. 🙂 But it’s really nice to know that there are people back home that can take this journey along with me and know what I’m up to.
{Haley}

What a day

  By

My day is finishing up, but it’s probably just beginning for most of y’all, which is weird. Especially when I remember that my family is moving into our new house right now without me.

But man, has it been a day. In the morning, Donna and I got to explore some botanical gardens, which turned out to be an amazing two-hour walk full of awesome trees, plants, and even monkeys! Also, I did swing from a vine that our guide showed us, in the spirit of things since Tarzan was apparently filmed there some time ago. We all met up for lunch at a pork joint, and then headed to a sort of souvenir market for a little while. I got some really awesome pants there as well as a father’s day gift for you, dad! 🙂 You’ll have to wait a while to get it.

I’m pretty worn out, though. It’s a good thing we’re driving out to VOH tomorrow because the city is very draining for me. Today was fun and a cool adventure, but I’m more excited to see everyone at the Village!

Again, prayers would be greatly appreciated for my endurance here, so that I can arrive at VOH with a ready heart and mind. Thank you all so much for following these posts, you guys are the best!

Till next time!

{Haley}

 

In Kampala

  By

Hello everybody! I’ve made it safely to Kampala, which is where I’ll be staying for the next day or two. I actually just woke up from a 3 hour nap (whoops) since I couldn’t handle the jet lag. 2 to 5 pm is 6 to 9 am in the States so it makes sense that I was so sleepy by that time.

Photo on 6-11-15 at 3.56 PM

 

(post-nap selfie)

Anyway, it’s been an experience so far. Last night, Donna and I stayed at a hotel that overlooks Lake Victoria. We got to go down to the shore of the lake in the morning, and then we headed to a grocery store before driving to Kampala to meet with Mike and Janelle. Now, we’re just chilling before dinner, so I thought I’d write something for y’all.

I’m slowly but surely getting situated with where I am. It’s very weird, not traveling with a team. Also, it’s overwhelming at first to think that I won’t see my parents or Ashley and Brandon for over a month, but I know this isn’t permanent. I can’t let myself focus on homesickness and let the amazingness of everything around me slip by. That’s really what I need prayers for right now – that I truly find God’s hand in this situation and gratefully do my part without being distracted. I guess this is very good practice for college, since Liberty is nowhere near as far as Uganda. 🙂

I think once I get to VOH, I’ll feel more at home. For now, this passage from Ephesians has been giving me comfort –

“So then you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with the saints, and members of God’s household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the cornerstone.
The whole building, being put together by Him, grows into a holy sanctuary in the Lord.”

Eph 2:19-21

Shoutouts from London!

  By

Hello again! So, I’m in London FINALLY. Not a very eventful trip over, except for the landing, which felt a bit like riding the Texas Giant. For y’all in Texas, it’s about 4 am, but it’s 10 here so I’m wide awake. And since I’ll be sitting here for the next hour or two, I might as well make a quick post with short messages to a few people.

To Mom and Dad – I’m ok!! I got through security just fine in London, which makes me feel loads better since last year was a train wreck. Have fun moving today, and please don’t break my stuff! :))

To Papaw – Thanks so much for your call right before I boarded! It meant a lot to me to talk to someone after I left my family behind at security. Love you!

To Deidrea and Bella – Thanks for the donuts and the picture yesterday! You guys are the best, and I’ll try to find time to contact y’all later!

To my small group – I love you guys so much, and thank you for all your well wishes you’ve given me over the past few days! We need to find time to hang out again after everyone gets back at the end of the summer! <3

To Bailey specifically – I looked it up and Bweyale is nowhere near Jinja. Sorry dude

To Morgan and Madeline – You guys are literally the best. Thanks so much for your kind words before I left, I love you guys so much!

To Rachel – Keep sending me pictures of Alaska and whales.

To Lizzy – Our talk last night was so awesome and really encouraged me for the start of this journey! You are the best and I can’t wait to keep talking to you about our experiences <3 Thanks, girl

{Haley}

PS: I told my parents I would post a pic from London but I look SUPER rough right now, so maybe you’ll get one later.

Ok Lord

  By

So this is it. Oh man, oh man, oh man. Today’s the first day of a 50ish day adventure that’s sure to challenge and change me in many ways. There’s a ridiculous amount of emotions running through me right now, which makes it a little difficult to verbalize how I’m feeling.

Also I’m just now realizing that this blog should be a very interesting endeavor for me, seeing as I am a crazy perfectionist in regards to everything I write (thank you AP Lit).

Anyway, I want to clarify just a bit about what I hope to do through this blog. First of all, I want to share about the incredible things I’ll see the Lord doing through this amazing organization. Having visited Village of Hope last summer, I know firsthand that God is very present there. Not many things make me happier than getting a chance to return to a place where I sense the freedom Christ gives so generously. Next, I want to reach out to those I’m leaving behind in the States. You guys know I love you and will miss you like crazy, so this is a nice way to communicate with you every so often. If I don’t personally know you, but you’re a follower of VOH’s latest updates, I’m glad I can be a way for you to get new info on the current events at the Village! And finally, everybody needs some kind of outlet. I’m definitely the kind of person who has many thoughts but feels guilty when they talk somebody’s ear off. This way, you decide exactly how much you want to read of my thoughts, and I can drone on about the stupid little things I feel are necessary to put in my updates. 🙂

yay internet

That’s the funny thing about writing in a blog like this. Since this is my first experience of blogging completely through these mini-essays, I’m desperately hoping that I can find a good balance of truly being myself in these posts but not being so casual that it’s painfully obvious a teenager is writing them. I’m a straightforward person, though. I like being honest with people because I believe the most meaningful conversations happen when we move past formalities and into the real stuff. So I want this blog to be true to that ideal, and I hope y’all can bear with me through whatever happens on this journey!

Another belief that I am challenging myself to live out on a daily basis is one that you’ll probably notice through my posts. I believe without a doubt that this life we are blessed with is made for so much more than we’ve come to passively accept. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who creates stars with a single word. We’ve all been given a body and mind capable of insanely great things, not meant for living the same life as the next person. I feel very convicted that God wants to do great things in and through me, which gives me encouragement when I’m about to board two planes that will take me to the complete opposite side of the world. When the part of me that thinks I’m in charge of what I’m capable of takes over, the next couple months of my life seem impossibly scary. But when I remember that the reigns don’t belong in my hands – but instead in the hands of a real and living God – I feel invigorated to take on His challenge to experience everything the world has to offer.

I know there’ll be days on this journey where I’ll forget this and start freaking out, I’m just calling it now. There’ll be hard days, there’ll be great days, and there’ll be everything in-between. Prayers would be greatly appreciated for any and all of these situations. Please be praying that I stay focused on the mission and keep from feeling alone or weighed down. To be open with you, I think my biggest fear is that somewhere in the middle of this, I’ll get homesick and get distracted from the greatness around me. I want to appreciate every part of this journey, I want to experience Uganda fully, I want to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Ok Lord, I’m here, I’m ready, and all I need is You to lead me through this. Your plan is perfect, even though I don’t know much of it at all. I pray that I remain open to Your will. I pray that Your spirit will be the flame inside me that keeps me going strong.

Wow. This is happening. I’M GOING BACK TO UGANDA TODAY!!

{Haley}